Hi! For this week's Sunday blog (which I'm posting on Tuesday) I'm going to chronicle my day from a food and emotions perspective.
6:19: Woke up at and thought maybe I'd go work out at Curves. I quickly got over that crazy notion and decided instead to head to work as early as possible. After all, I've been gone for two work days, so there's much to do. Even though I worked on email yesterday, I feel rather buried.
6:20 Weighed myself. Decided ahead of time that 275 will be acceptable after all the road food I've eaten. See 275. Feel okay, but still disappointed.
6:25: Showered and decided to weigh myself again. 277. Going with the earlier weight. Dressed, put make up on. Wanted some chocolate, but realized all my Halloween candy is gone. Relieved. Must get out of vacation mode and return to awareness. Decide to only eat hunger today and to blog the experience during the day.
7:15: Fried my egg and polenta, packed two snacks, then headed for the door. Learned a lesson. If a person has decided to lock the deadbolt and forgets to unlock it when she tugs on the door, no matter how hard she pulls, the door won't open. Instead her eggs and polenta will land on the floor (which is clean because she earlier spilled two different mugs of soup and has already cleaned up twice). Briefly consider stopping at MickeyDees for an egg mcmuffin and diet coke. Overcome the urge. Note: eggs and polenta are still good when scraped up off the floor, but positive self praise is somewhat difficult to muster.
7:20: Pulled out, then remembered I'd forgotten to take my pills. Oops. Stopped the car and took care of that.
7:29: Approach the freeway and think about all I have to do. All of a sudden I think perhaps I should work from home. If I go in, I will be barraged by what other people think is important. If I stay home, I can do what I feel is important. I feel selfish, but decide to return home and work.
9:15: After an hour of emailing, decide I'm cold. Turn up the heat, nuke some water for FF/SF hot chocolate. In my mind, think if it's Fat Free and Sugar Free, what's the point? Decide to have some anyway. Not hungry. I feel...worried? Overwhelmed? No... I feel guilty about being home. Hmm. On my cubicle wall I have a sign, "If you're going to do it, don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it, don't do it." So, I need to get over it. I decided to stay home and that's the way it is.
9:48: Not hungry, but anxious. Want to eat. Finished the hot chocolate. Will eat a 10:00 snack in 12 minutes.
10:30: Ate 2 tablespoons of peanut butter with celery and 1 tsp of semi-sweet chocolate chips. Wasn't hungry, but trying to keep blood sugar levels steady. At least I think that's why the diet gurus say to eat every 2-3 hours. Beginning to wonder if my overall feeling of anxiety is that they'll discover at work that I'm not all that necessary. Now that's just silly, isn't it? Still, on some level I feel that. So, good job Bonnie on trying to be honest. Oh, and good job only eating 2 tablespoons of peanut butter when you wanted more, and for being aware of what and when you're eating. Now get back to work!
11:23: Really want to eat. Not hungry. Won't eat. Will drink H2O. Not the same, but good choice, Bonnie.
11:35: I caved and ate pine nuts. The good news is they are relatively low in calories. So, not perfect as far as not eating, but at least it wasn't junk food! Now I can't stop thinking about lunch. I usually have an eating meeting and know where I'm eating which also means I know what I'm eating (good job, Bonnie, on planning ahead when dining out). Today it's just me. I really need to concentrate on the meeting I'm 'attending' via phone, but I want to plan my lunch..
12:45: Meeting's over. After lunch, I must spend at least one hour reading my book for Leadership. That's the main reason I stayed home. I can't believe how much time gets eaten up by just responding to email! I also have about 6 cards I've been trying to get sent out to Fall regional demos. Arghh.
1:25: Lunch was delish! I had a cup of squash that I roasted last night-a mixture of banana squash and a new one I tried call Fairy Tale. Both were very good. I also made a simple chicken quesadilla. Decided to give myself an hour lunch and watched some television while I ate.
5:10: Fell asleep. Now I have hours of reading to do and not hours of time left in the day (hair cut at 6:45). Mad at myself. Slept through a planned call with Brian at work. Pathetic. The only good thing is at least I didn't eat during my nap. Okay, perhaps that's harsh. I didn't intentionally fall asleep, did I? Possibly I'll be even more efficient as I read now because of the break. Right, I'm off to read 'til the hair cut.
5:25: Change of plan. Called Brian and went over a few things. Now on to reading. Have forgiven myself for napping. Good job forgiving yourself, Bonnie! (See how tiring the whole praise thing is? I don't even realize how many times I'm 'down' on myself until I have to document the times I praise myself.)
7:56: Read, got my hair cut, stopped and bought some sweet potato fries and caprese salad from Au Naturale for dinner. Yum! Will commence eating.
9:30: Plan to finish off a small bag of Corn Nuts (random left over car trip food) and some chocolate chips, then turn in.
Overall, a pretty clean food day. Thanks for tuning in!
We missed you at our "lunch meeting" today. :) Alisa and I went anyways and had a good discussion. We'll catch you soon!
ReplyDeletekeep on hanging in there.....nope not easy but don't give up! Hugs to you, Deb
ReplyDeleteA friend sent me this quote from her sunday school class referencing Joshua 18 (parable of the clay and the potter). So, of course, when I read the quote, I thought how perfectly said it was, in reference to those of us with eating disorders etc. I thought you would like the quote.
ReplyDeletePresident Heber C Kimball said,
"There are many vessels that are destroyed after they have been molded and shaped. Why? Because they are not content with the shape the potter has given them, but straightaway put themselves into a shape to please themselves; therefore they are beyond understanding what God designs, and they destroy themselves by the power of their own agency. These people have to go through a great many modelings and shapes, then...have to be glazed and burned; and even in the burning, some vessels crack".
You are going through the "great many modelings and shapes"...trying to get it all back (the original). And the beauty of it all, is that the Savior is the potter. If we repent, He can re-mold us into what He knows we can become - and even better than the original! Our Father in Heaven blesses us with each other. I love that so much about Him. He could do it himself easily, but He wants us to give us the blessings. He wants us to know and feel the happiness that comes from each other. The happiness we get when we are the helper and the happiness we feel when we are the one being helped.
You have a lot of people who are being helped as you are seeking help on your own and sharing it on your blog. Great Job, Bonnie!