Thursday, September 30, 2010


I'm off to Baltimore in an hour. I am so excited! Since the regionals have begun, I don't see Shannon, Carrie and Donna as much as I'd like. Now I get to hang with them for an entire weekend. How fun is that? The only downside is I'm filling in for Shelli-and demonstrators are always disappointed when Shelli's not there. She is such an amazing woman and a regional seminar is usually an opportunity to be able to meet her in a fairly small setting. I'll do my best!

I had my fourth therapy session on Tuesday. Talk about intense! Lots of ghosts from the past that need to be dealt with. I'm worried the emotions being brought to the surface might be too overwhelming and I'll turn to food for comfort again. I suppose even being worried about that, being aware of it, is a good thing. I really, really don't want to move backwards in my weight loss, but in order to move ahead I have to deal with some pretty painful things. The easy way out is to just focus on losing weight (I can't believe I even feel that way-losing weight is anything but easy). You know what I mean, though. Dealing with what has brought me to food as my drug of choice is a daunting process.

Well, enough of that. Off to the airport!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

#24: 20 Pound Milestone!

Yay, yay, yay! I did a happy dance this morning when I stepped off the scale. I can't read the scale while I'm standing on it because of my stomach-pathetic, but true. I have to get off and quickly look while the number's still visible. Some mornings it's quite humorous because without my contacts I nearly have to touch my nose to the scale to read my weight. Hey! Does that count as exercise? Anyway, I finally reached my 20 pound goal.

Next goal? Break out of the 270's. I call it reaching a different decade of numbers.

I'm on track to hit 50 pounds off by Feb 17th, my 50th birthday. The holidays will of course pose an interesting challenge, but tonight I'm feeling invincible. Eye of the tiger. I can do this. Yay!

mmmm,,,m,,, (That was me cleaning off my 'm' key-too tired to delete and it will make me laugh when I read this again.)

Must sleep now.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Wow! The week snuck up on me. I took Tuesday off and did nothing but work out, nap, shop, and meet some friends for dinner. It was a lovely recuperation day. I had a terrible headache that night-I think just plain old fatigue. Silly me!

I've had three great food days in a row. It feels so good to feel in control-at least of what goes in my mouth. I never take that feeling for granted. Seems like one day it's easy and the next three it's hard. I LOVE feeling my loose pants and being able to go up and down stairs without thinking about my knees, but when I see photos from Founder's Circle, I realize how far I have to go-and that is very discouraging.

In 2007 when I last kept track of weight loss efforts, I weighed 271. I remember seeing the 270's for the first time and gasping in shock. For some reason that was more real than the 260's. Well, I still managed to gain 20 pounds in the three years between then and 2010.

I am scared I will give up. Even though things are going well; even though I am making good decisions, it's easier to just drift into weight gain than to battle this demon every time I turn around.

I think I'm just tired. Press on!

Monday, September 20, 2010


I missed my Thursday and Sunday blogs because I was still at Founder's Circle in St. George. Founder's is a fabulous event for the top Stampin' Up! demonstrators, and I get to go as part of my job. It's always an amazing event and a privilege to be able to mingle with these women. My new team, Special Events, is in charge of making the magic happen. What magic? Fun pillow gifts every night, a beautiful room called the Gathering Place to hang out in during the day, amazing events and treats galore. Every day we featured a hand dipped chocolate and a yummy baked goodie.
The Fabulous Founder's Staff

So, how did I fare with my diet? I'm pleased to report very well. I lost the 3 pounds I found last week, so I'm back to a total of 18 so far. I'm so glad. It honestly wasn't that hard to stay away from the chocolate and baked goods. We were working hard, laughing much, and very very busy. It was a blessing and I feel like I'm back on track. When I look at my past, I see times like this stop any forward progress. That can't happen this time!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

#21: NOT a 20 Pound Milestone.

I gained weight-3 pounds- and insight this week. This is the first week I've gained since I began on July 5. Did I think I would decide to lose weight and not have any set backs or challenges? No. I realize this is an opportunity to learn and move forward, but I'm still upset and disappointed in myself.

What happened? I can trace the gain to three things. First of all, I didn't track my points very well this week. It was a busy and stressful week and I fell into the trap of skipping that very important step. Second, I only worked out one day. Cathi is out of Curves until the beginning of November and I began the week feeling a little under the weather, so I just flat out skipped my workouts. Third, I ate beyond full at several meals. Waiting to eat until I'm hungry hasn't been that hard (I'm surprised at this, but I actually like knowing I'm hungry so it's worth waiting for that feeling). What has been difficult is once I begin eating I have a hard time eating only 'til I'm comfortably full. To be candid, I don't even notice the change from hungry to full. Here's an example: Last Thursday I ate lunch with my friend Cori. We had some business things to discuss and I was feeling a bit stressed. I ordered the same meal I ate half of the week before (stopping at half a burger and only 6 fries-yes, I counted), but this week I ate all the burger and most of the fries. Back at the office, I actually became ill with a soon-to-be migraine and had to go home early. I know it was a combination of the stress and overeating that caused the migraine, but at the time of the meal, I didn't really feel too full. Instead of learning from this experience, I repeated overeating at least twice more on Friday and Saturday.

This is hard to admit, but I also intentionally ate gluten this weekend. I was at a creative conference in the area and gave in to my eating addiction. I ate some of a molasses cookie, an entire eclair, some peanut butter filled pretzels, a roll, a bread stick, some breaded chicken, a croissant sandwich, a ham sandwich, and some of a sugar cookie. I didn't get sick really, but I know I will feel achy and tired for a week now. I'm also much more susceptible to colds and such-I've compromised my autoimmune system.

On a bright note, I did work out on Saturday morning. I also committed to getting in 21 workouts prior to Cathi's return with me in November. I told the Curves owner about it, and she's the kind who will keep me honest about it. I am also going to record my workouts on this blog, so maybe y'all can keep me on it too!

Another victory: I was tempted to severely restrict my food yesterday in a desperate attempt to at least not gain weight this week (yes, I weighed myself and knew I was in for a gain), but that wasn't a smart choice physically or emotionally. Instead, I tried to pay attention to why and what I was eating. I still overate, but I felt more in control. Is that as weird as it sounds?

So, thanks for tuning in for this episode of The Scale of Truth. I hope my mid-week post is more joyous.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


I feel sad and heavy today. No reason why. Nothing to be alarmed about, just telling it like I feel it.


Monday, September 6, 2010


This blog entry is being done on Monday because yesterday I was just plain sick. Feverish, congested, and nauseous. Pretty, huh?

Good weight loss week-2 pounds! I was so excited when I weighed-then I realized I had counted wrong and it was 18 pounds total, not 20 like I thought. Still, a very big yay for me! I was able to stick with it through a sister party and a Sunday of not feeling well.

Friday was a day off and a day with lots of open time. I had a hard time eating hunger that day-mostly I had a hard time reaching hunger. On my way to club, I stopped to pick up a CFDC for Cathi and saw something irresistible-Lay's Balsamic Vinegar and Sweet Onion potato chips! Oh my gosh, they were so good. I didn't even really try to be strong even though I wasn't hungry. Not proud of that, but I am proud that I just moved on after the package was gone. That night, I wasn't hungry yet, but my sister had fixed a spaghetti dinner for us, so I joined. At least I was able to only eat one portion.

I finished Shrink Yourself and am now reading Geneen Roth's Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. I like it a lot, but kind of miss the more concrete 'how to's' from Shrink.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


I am feeling so strong and focused! I'm not saying things are all perfect-as a matter of fact I've had two evenings in a row of overeating. Still, I can do this. One day at a time. One meal at a time. One bite at a time.

I met with Kaleo, my eating addiction recovery therapist, on Tuesday. She challenged me to stop eating at specific times and to eat only when I'm hungry (she compared eating at scheduled times to forcing yourself to go to the bathroom at scheduled times-ridiculous! You go to the bathroom when you need to go to the bathroom...). It's tough! I keep worrying that I'm not going to get hungry. I always eat breakfast at 6:45, have a 10:00 snack, eat lunch at noon, a 3:00 snack, then dinner at 6:30. Now I don't eat 'breakfast' until I'm hungry-the past two days that has been 11:45 a.m., so of course, I'm not hungry at noon. I have regular eating meetings for lunch, so the last two days I just go and drink something and taste a bit of lunch. Kaleo says I can taste without eating. Interesting, huh? I think by the time I get home for dinner I'm convinced I'm starving--although I'm really not. I will really have to focus on what's happening at night. Am I bored? Lonely? Do I feel like I 'deserve' a nice meal since I've worked hard and have been good all day? Points wise, I eat my full Weight Watchers points each day-over half of them at night. I don't like that much. So, still a work in progress!

The other thing Kaleo told me to do is praise myself for good choices. So last night when I wanted to eat a third gluten free brownie from the freezer and put it back, I said, "Good job Bonnie!" It felt silly, but it also felt kind of good.

I MUST work out at Curves today and Saturday. Cathi can't go with me for a month, so I'm on my own. Please send me will power and happy thoughts, okay? It felt so good on Tuesday to get a work out in. I know how much better I operate when I've released some energy at the gym. Okay, I've convinced myself. I'm out of here and on my way to Curves.