Sunday, November 28, 2010
My biggest challenge this week? Well, late Tuesday night I was invited to join some of the Stampin' Up! staff on a quick trip to Fort Lauderdale to deliver a starter kit to our 10,000 recruit of the year. It was a long plane trip-7 a.m. to 8 p.m. with less than an hour in Florida. Why was this a challenge? We were on a chartered jet enjoying food and snacks of all types. Hard to remain in control, I'll tell you. Not that I'm complaining. When will I ever get to do that again? I'm hunting for a photo to insert here.
My biggest accomplishment of the week? I didn't gain! I am thrilled with that!
I ended up driving home from Logan on Thursday and spent the rest of the weekend in various states of relaxation, productivity, and general merriment. A highlight was the last quarter of the BYU/U of U game on Saturday. I didn't really care who won, but the game was a snoozer until the 4th quarter. U of U up by one, no time on the clock, BYU with a kick on about the 18 yard line. Looks like the game's going to the Y, then the kick is blocked and the U wins by one on their home field! Fun times, I'm telling you.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I am thankful for so many things today. I have a loving family, great faith in my Heavenly Father, a great job, loyal friends, and a bright future. I feel so blessed. As I continue to listen to my emotions and examine my relationship with food, I feel hopeful that I will emerge a more confident woman; one who is authentic to what's best in her while embracing and seeking out areas to improve.
Just got the call to eat, so I'm out. Have a great day and take some time to thank those who touch your life daily. Speaking of which, thank you. Thank you for expecting the best from my, for honoring my attempts at honesty, for applauding my success and for encouraging me to keep on going. As my friend Alisa said last week, "Settle in for the ride, because it's a long one!"
All my love and sincere gratitude,
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Speaking of which, it was a good week of praise and awareness. I got 55 out of 70 points. It would have been higher, but I had three days without recording my food (my home computer gets a bit excited when I use Weight Watchers online--it freezes on me). Even with that, I am back at winning at the losing game. 1.5 lbs! Super excited. I'm really trying to find sincere things to praise myself for. I'm in a praise rut, isn't that funny?
I put up my Christmas decorations yesterday. I hate to leap frog Thanksgiving since it's one of my favorite holidays all year, but this weekend is a busy one and I have friends coming over on the 1st of December so I need my festiveness to be in place. I'm so silly-can't wait to put up the Christmas decorations, then can't wait to put them away. I usually take everything down no later than December 27. Growing up we un-decorated on New Year's Day. Hmm. Random train of thought. Anyway, I like to save putting my ornaments on the tree for the very last thing. I got up early this morning to a winter wonderland. I listened to Christmas music, decorated the tree, then had some eggnog. It was a fun way to start the day!
Good thing I got things done this morning-I had no power from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. Luckily I was at church or in some church meetings most of that time.
As the youngest of five children, Thanksgiving was always a mixed blessing. I remember once or twice going to Heber to my aunt's house for the big meal, but we mostly celebrated at home. Mom was a stickler for tradition, so we ate on the good china and had tons of dishes to wash! When my brother and sisters got married and began their families it was too quiet on the years they went to their in-laws, but when they all came home it was a circus of crying babies, tired toddlers, and frustrated parents. Still, even thinking of that chaos makes me nostalgic. I love my family.
I will have a 70 point week this week. I will pre-plan my Thursday food and go to Curves on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Pretty decent awareness and praise so far this week. Can't wait to weigh on Sunday-I know I've lost at least a pound. Super yay!
I commit to two days of Curves prior to my Sunday post. Look at me...all committed and stuff.
So, here's a random thought. My father died during open heart surgery when I was just barely 20. As we mourned his death, my mother became obsessed with one question. Did she tell him she loved him before his surgery? She was upset that she may have missed this final opportunity. We reassured her that she had, indeed, held his hand and told him she loved him. As I reflect on this after all these years, I'm struck by something. How fabulous is it that my mother and father verbally expressed their love to each other so often that this one final time didn't stand out as anything significant to my mother. How blessed that it was routine, not a once-a-year-on-our-anniversary occurrence.
I want to be that way about self praise. Instead of having to document when I say something nice to myself, I want it to be routine. Not a once-a-day-whether-I-deserve-it-or-not occurrence.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I met with Kaleo last Friday morning. It was a very good session. I told her I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with food. Good relationships are built on communication, trust, and honesty. A good relationship is rewarding and challenging. Well, I'm not honest with food, I don't trust myself, and I haven't been listening to what's really going on with me. Seems like it's my relationship with myself I need to work on! Food can't give me what I can't give myself. Profound, huh?
Kaleo also talked with me about how powerful our subconscious is. In one study, people agreed to have their faces professionally made up to look as if they were disfigured. These people were then asked to go out in public and report how others treated them. They reported having others avoid eye contact, treat them as inferiors, and even look at them with disgust. At the end of the reporting time, they were allowed to see themselves in the mirror. Nothing had been done. They had no disfigurement. How they saw other's treating them was entirely on a subconscious level! Amazing.
I'm looking forward to the week ahead of me. Every day is a new day to practice what I've learned.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Who is the fat you? What does she do? How does she feel? What does she need?
The fat me is happy, gregarious and funny. She has a great job, a darling bungalow and an amazing support group. She isn't married and hasn't dated seriously for at least nine years. She wears stylish clothing, but her priority is that it be loose and comfortable. She wears little make up. She's low maintenance. She looks in the mirror at the beginning of the day to get ready, then rarely thinks about how she looks. She uses a full length mirror occasionally, but denies intentionally avoiding it.
The fat me does pretty much the same thing every day. She wakes up around 6:30 and leaves for work around 7:15. Some mornings she works out at Curves. She arrives home between 6:30 and 7:00, then eats dinner while watching television. Some week nights she attends church functions or tends her best friend's little boys. She values her alone time, but is usually up for an impromptu party. Most weekends the fat me combines a mixture of housework (very little), watching television, stamping, tending the boys, or hanging out with her family or friends. She loves to read and watch movies at home. She enjoys cooking sometimes. She loves to go for walks, but doesn't do it much because her knees hurt.
When the fat me travels (which she's done a lot of lately), she takes a seat belt extender. She has to psyche herself up with each new flight because she doesn't know if the plane's seat belt will fit. She never uses the tray table because it won't go all the way down and she doesn't want to call attention to that. She tries to be invisible so the passenger next to her doesn't feel squished and anytime she has an empty seat between her and the other passengers on her row she thanks the universe.
The fat me tries to avoid feeling. She uses food to keep herself on an even keel, feeling like she might not have the energy, skills or desire to deal with her emotions. She doesn't realize how frequently she thinks poorly of herself and how infrequently she feels proud of herself. She is trying, though.
The fat me doesn't have too many needs because wanting what she doesn't have scares her or she doesn't feel she deserves more than what she has. She has been raised to be content with whatever she's been given. Basically, she needs a mixture of alone time and time with family and friends. She needs enough money to not worry about it all the time. She needs good medical care and the financial means to take care of herself. She needs a husband, but doesn't admit that to herself.
There you go. I'm happy to have finished this assignment and now I'm going to give myself some praise for doing so!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
6:19: Woke up at and thought maybe I'd go work out at Curves. I quickly got over that crazy notion and decided instead to head to work as early as possible. After all, I've been gone for two work days, so there's much to do. Even though I worked on email yesterday, I feel rather buried.
6:20 Weighed myself. Decided ahead of time that 275 will be acceptable after all the road food I've eaten. See 275. Feel okay, but still disappointed.
6:25: Showered and decided to weigh myself again. 277. Going with the earlier weight. Dressed, put make up on. Wanted some chocolate, but realized all my Halloween candy is gone. Relieved. Must get out of vacation mode and return to awareness. Decide to only eat hunger today and to blog the experience during the day.
7:15: Fried my egg and polenta, packed two snacks, then headed for the door. Learned a lesson. If a person has decided to lock the deadbolt and forgets to unlock it when she tugs on the door, no matter how hard she pulls, the door won't open. Instead her eggs and polenta will land on the floor (which is clean because she earlier spilled two different mugs of soup and has already cleaned up twice). Briefly consider stopping at MickeyDees for an egg mcmuffin and diet coke. Overcome the urge. Note: eggs and polenta are still good when scraped up off the floor, but positive self praise is somewhat difficult to muster.
7:20: Pulled out, then remembered I'd forgotten to take my pills. Oops. Stopped the car and took care of that.
7:29: Approach the freeway and think about all I have to do. All of a sudden I think perhaps I should work from home. If I go in, I will be barraged by what other people think is important. If I stay home, I can do what I feel is important. I feel selfish, but decide to return home and work.
9:15: After an hour of emailing, decide I'm cold. Turn up the heat, nuke some water for FF/SF hot chocolate. In my mind, think if it's Fat Free and Sugar Free, what's the point? Decide to have some anyway. Not hungry. I feel...worried? Overwhelmed? No... I feel guilty about being home. Hmm. On my cubicle wall I have a sign, "If you're going to do it, don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it, don't do it." So, I need to get over it. I decided to stay home and that's the way it is.
9:48: Not hungry, but anxious. Want to eat. Finished the hot chocolate. Will eat a 10:00 snack in 12 minutes.
10:30: Ate 2 tablespoons of peanut butter with celery and 1 tsp of semi-sweet chocolate chips. Wasn't hungry, but trying to keep blood sugar levels steady. At least I think that's why the diet gurus say to eat every 2-3 hours. Beginning to wonder if my overall feeling of anxiety is that they'll discover at work that I'm not all that necessary. Now that's just silly, isn't it? Still, on some level I feel that. So, good job Bonnie on trying to be honest. Oh, and good job only eating 2 tablespoons of peanut butter when you wanted more, and for being aware of what and when you're eating. Now get back to work!
11:23: Really want to eat. Not hungry. Won't eat. Will drink H2O. Not the same, but good choice, Bonnie.
11:35: I caved and ate pine nuts. The good news is they are relatively low in calories. So, not perfect as far as not eating, but at least it wasn't junk food! Now I can't stop thinking about lunch. I usually have an eating meeting and know where I'm eating which also means I know what I'm eating (good job, Bonnie, on planning ahead when dining out). Today it's just me. I really need to concentrate on the meeting I'm 'attending' via phone, but I want to plan my lunch..
12:45: Meeting's over. After lunch, I must spend at least one hour reading my book for Leadership. That's the main reason I stayed home. I can't believe how much time gets eaten up by just responding to email! I also have about 6 cards I've been trying to get sent out to Fall regional demos. Arghh.
1:25: Lunch was delish! I had a cup of squash that I roasted last night-a mixture of banana squash and a new one I tried call Fairy Tale. Both were very good. I also made a simple chicken quesadilla. Decided to give myself an hour lunch and watched some television while I ate.
5:10: Fell asleep. Now I have hours of reading to do and not hours of time left in the day (hair cut at 6:45). Mad at myself. Slept through a planned call with Brian at work. Pathetic. The only good thing is at least I didn't eat during my nap. Okay, perhaps that's harsh. I didn't intentionally fall asleep, did I? Possibly I'll be even more efficient as I read now because of the break. Right, I'm off to read 'til the hair cut.
5:25: Change of plan. Called Brian and went over a few things. Now on to reading. Have forgiven myself for napping. Good job forgiving yourself, Bonnie! (See how tiring the whole praise thing is? I don't even realize how many times I'm 'down' on myself until I have to document the times I praise myself.)
7:56: Read, got my hair cut, stopped and bought some sweet potato fries and caprese salad from Au Naturale for dinner. Yum! Will commence eating.
9:30: Plan to finish off a small bag of Corn Nuts (random left over car trip food) and some chocolate chips, then turn in.
Overall, a pretty clean food day. Thanks for tuning in!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
So, all is going well with tracking and praising. Okay, I didn't praise myself too much yesterday-for no reason, I just forgot-but I promise to do it today!