Wednesday, May 15, 2013

275: On my way to Australia

I'm not shocked to see a gain. I'm eating more calories and not moving very much. That combo is a guaranteed weight gain plan. Too bad that's not my plan, huh?

It's been a bit of a rough ride the last few weeks. It seems like I'm busy at work, busy at home, busy at church--just...busy. I'm not sleeping too well which adds to the feeling of needing a bit of down time-and to reward myself with a treat after a busy day. I keep reminding myself that after June 19 I'll have enforced relaxation, so I need to enjoy my current mobility.

My knee replacement surgery has been postponed--the MRI was blurry, so we had to do it again and lost a week of time for my knee to be 'built', so June 19 is the new date.

Last night is a slice of my recent month's packed schedule. After a full day of work, I had a 5:00 webinar, a 6:00 dinner with friends and an 8:00 hair appointment. I was 10 minutes late to dinner and had to leave early to not be late for my hair. By the time I got home, I needed an hour of unwinding to get to sleep. The unwinding included a mixture of cheese popcorn and kettle corn which I bought on my way home from the hair cut. At least I put some in bowl instead of just eating out of the bags.

I'll be in Australia for a bit over a week, so I've set some goals to help me stay focused while allowing for travel flexibility. I don't know what kind of food will be available, so I'm pre-planning based on some assumptions of an abundance of fruit and veggies.

1) I will eat small meals every 2-3 hours.
2) I will make green, leafy vegetables the main portion of my plate at lunch and dinner.
3) I will allow myself a small 1 inch cube of dessert when a gluten free option is available.
5) I will drink water.
6) I will say nice things to myself.
7) I will track my food in a journal.

I leave for Australia on Saturday, so I won't be posting until I return on May 27.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

273: Roller Coaster & Mothers' Day

I don't thing Roller Coaster is the best word to describe my weight loss ups and downs. Roller Coasters are fun scary, but more fun than scary. Maybe Ferris Wheel? It feels like a cycle of seeing the big picture then being in the heat of the moment and using food instead of eating it. I'll quit trying for the perfect amusement park analogy, okay?

So, Mothers' Day, huh? Hope yours was happy. Acceptable. I personally love Mothers' Day, but I know many who don't--including mothers, waiting for children, singles, you name it. The day seems to be fairly polarizing.

My mother was a blessing to me. Not perfect, but pretty darn close. My older sibs frequently comment that I had a different mother than they did--I say they broke her in, so I had a kinder, gentler Beth Crook Thurber. Mama was a great 'homemaker' which was the appropriate phrase for her generation. She tirelessly cleaned, cooked, gardened, sewed, preserved, and nurtured our talents. She created a family that was unified and supportive. She taught us to be dependable and responsible. Her word was law in our home. If she said no the first time, you never asked again--whining and wheedling just cemented the no.

Mama also taught me, unintentionally, about emotional eating. She loved a treat while she was reading in bed, fresh bread on a rainy day, and ice cream for rough times. I watched her watch her weight all my life. She was diagnosed with diabetes when I was ten, so I also saw her successfully control her sugar levels with the exchange diet. She walked every day. I should say we walked every day. We'd begin at our house and pick up friends & dogs along the way. I loved our evening strolls.

Body image lessons? Mama made most of my clothes until I was old enough to sew my own beginning in junior high school. I remember her fitting a new dress or skirt to me and patting my hips and sighing, "If we could just get a bit off here." I don't feel scarred for life or anything, but forty plus years later I do remember. That says something, doesn't it. My two-years-older-than-me sister, Linnea, was tiny. Actually, probably undernourished (I'm thinking celiac disease here). Anyway, I was frequently mistaken for the older sister which wasn't a problem until puberty hit me and left her behind. Suddenly I was 'big boned' and 'husky'. It was hard. I disliked shopping for school clothes and preferred to make my own so I didn't have to fit into a specific size that was 2 sizes larger than Linnea.

My mama loved me and did the best she could. I'm responsible for the decisions I make about food, not my loving mother.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

271.4: Fighting the good fight

Hello! I am feeling so happy and strong today. I'm super busy at work, a bit stressed. Last night I found myself buying gluten free cookies (Udi's gluten free, tasty but pricey), mixed nuts, and chocolate. Why I think a sweet/salty treat will make everything better is really mind boggling, but I do. I'm not alone, right?

Anyway, I woke up early this morning to get a jump on a loooong work day. I immediately thought of ways to treat myself for being such a great worker--maybe starting with a large Diet Coke and two sausage burritos at McDonald's, some chips and salsa during rehearsals for the Australia/New Zealand convention, and perhaps a Fast Break candy bar (my personal favorite).

Guess what? You'll never guess...

I decided the best way to treat myself is to follow my plan. Drink water, eat small meals every few hours, and update my blog.

Go me! Go you! Thanks for your love and support--it really makes a difference.

P.S. A dear friend shared some insights from her personal journey. I think she wouldn't mind me sharing some of those with you.
  • Eat for taste & for physical need but NOT to make up for what I don’t or didn’t have at some point in my life. Food won’t address those things. 
  • Force closes the heart. In other words, when I try and force my will to lose weight and keep up the fight, my heart shuts down and there is no joy.
  • I eat to leave a situation/emotion. I bolt. Don’t keep leaving myself!!! What’s there to deal with or feel when I don’t bolt? Stay with that and move through it. . . food doesn’t address or fix it.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

272: Fall, Pride Goeth Before the

This time it was the melting chocolate chips. A bag. Not a small bag, the rest of the bag of melting chips I bought. Monday night I was compelled to finish it, to banish it from my house by consuming it, killing it off. I even remember thinking "Good, this way it will be all gone." I didn't savor the sweet chocolate--they add waxy, oily stuff to the melting kind so it will melt better--I just inhaled. Didn't nibble. Didn't indulge. Inhaled.

I feel sad for me, mad at me, and a bit pouty.

On an unrelated topic, here's the conversation I had with my ortho on Monday morning:

Ortho: What are we seeing you for today?
Me: My other knee hurts. I've had the series of weekly injections to give me 6 months of relief, and it still hurts.
Ortho: Oh?
Me: I fell a few weeks ago. Maybe that's it? Except it doesn't hurt right now. It quit hurting on Friday, but I don't know when it will start again and when it starts again the pain is terrible and keeps me awake at night and I swear it's causing sciatica in that leg because my butt hurts too and nothing I take, even Lortab leftover from a year ago, touches the pain and I have a work trip scheduled for Australia and I really want to go but only if my knee isn't going to be a problem.
Ortho: Oh? Well, sometimes the injections take 8 weeks to kick in.
Me: Oh. How's your crystal ball working these days?
Ortho: (Smiles) Not too well. (Rifles through papers (did you know in England they pronounce it riffle? I like that.).) Wow! Last time I scoped that knee it had extensive arthritis in all three cavities and I spent a long time in there. We could do that again, but what are your thoughts on going ahead and replacing it?

So, other than learning that I don't have a knack for writing dialog, I've learned that June 2013 will be filled with medical stuff. In one way it freaks me out because I've done it all before. In another way it's all quite matter of fact because I've done it all before.

Hmm. Maybe it's not an unrelated topic after all.

The thing I love about life is every single day/hour/minute I get to start again. Tuesday morning I did just that.

It was easy because there was no melting chocolate to deal with.