Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I love my ornaments. I have ornaments from many years of travelling. A wooden kangaroo from Australia, a gold leafed maple leaf from Canada, some wooden trains from Germany, lovely red paper ornaments from Denmark, tiny mittens from Estonia, little boots made from reindeer skin from Sweden...and on and on. Sometimes I'll buy a piece of jewelry on a trip and turn that into an ornament. I also have some quirky and homespun ornaments from my sister Linnea's tree that I claimed when she passed away. I treasure a beaded star from the year my mama and Linnea made dozens of beaded ornaments for the family tree. Oh, and the ceramic bear that Parker and Landon painted for me when they were 3 and 6. It's heavy, so I have to put it on the bottom, tucked near the trunk. Near the top of my tree sits a small plastic angel that adorned our tree when I was growing up. I can't verify its origins, but I like to think it was my grandmother's. It's not large enough to be a tree topper, but I use it as one.
I'm lucky that Christmas, for me, evokes happy, warm, joyous memories. I know for many it is bittersweet--full of unfulfilled expectations of family peace and love.
I'll be with my sisters at Christmas. Annette's brood is coming home to roost, so from Friday 'til Sunday it will be delightful chaos. That night I'll drive to Loene's for our all day movie-fest the day after Christmas.
May you have a Merry and Bright holiday. I can't wait!
Friday, December 9, 2011
4:00 AM: Just go back to sleep already! What am I most anxious about? Not getting an answer. If not this, then what? Seems like my body is always a bit off--test results show problem, more test results follow, eventually my body just fixes things. The process, however, wears me out. All those tests! All that waiting!
7:29 AM: I deserve a Dunford's donut for all this stress. My stomach is already churning, so why not add gluten to the mix?
7:57 AM: I call just in case. Answering service. Nice lady says call at 8:00.
8:03 AM: It takes all my willpower, but I wait 'til just past 8:00 so as to not appear too eager. Still answering service. Lady still nice.
8:07 AM: Arghh. I will wait 'til 8:15 to try again.
8:15 AM: I'm going to scream... the nice answering service lady suggested I try at 8:30.
8:20 AM: Distraction. Employee needed a shoulder-her laptop was stolen from her cubicle last night.
8:29 AM: Now a group has gathered to offer her many shoulders. I want to call. Would that be rude?
8:35 AM: Busy!
8:37 AM: On hold while Dr. Kimball is located...eek!
8:40 AM: "Hold on, we don't have... hold on..."
8:45 AM: "No infection in that knee for sure. Sometimes we don't know why the knee is painful."
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
At work we can get a $10 Target gift card by sharing three things we will do to remain healthy during the holidays.
Here are my three:
1) Drink twice as much water as usual -- a quart at home and a quart at work.
2) Eat one fruit serving per day. I know, I should already do that, but I don't!
3) Stop eating after 8 p.m.
I think that deserves ten bucks, don't you?
I'm fighting my second cold in a four week period. Sniff, sniff, cough, cough. Umm, what else? Done with my Christmas shopping; have three gifts to wrap and 5 to put in gift bags. That's it!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I thought I said goodbye to the 280's months ago. It really distresses me to face the truth. My fun weight tracker doesn't even begin as high as 284, because I didn't think I'd see that number again.
Scream! Whine! Deny!
I truthfully acknowledge I'm doing very little to move the scale down. I don't exercise; I don't record my food online with Weight Watchers; I eat what I want even if I'm not hungry. Last night, after a dinner of tuna on rice cakes, I munched on rice crackers (the entire package), home made french onion dip, and finished off my quart of Rocky Road ice cream (I'm guesstimating I ate 1 1/2 cups).
Gee, why am I not losing weight?
I can't control how much water I retain, how my hormones fluctuate, or how my meds may be affecting my weight loss efforts.
I can control my snacking and emotional eating. It takes strength and courage, but I can do it.
I have to.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Let me elaborate.
Boyd doesn't like to sleep. He gets all wired up and wants to squirm, wiggle and twitch. Bonnie, on the other hand, enjoys a great night of uninterrupted sleep. It's an interesting conflict. About once a week, Boyd wins and Bonnie has to walk around until he calms down. Fortunately, most of the time Bonnie gets her way. By the way, Boyd is demanding his late night jaunts less and less.
When Bonnie goes up and down stairs, sometimes Boyd just rebels and says, "I'm not going today," so Bonnie has to go backwards to fool him. It's odd, but it works.
Bonnie thinks she can travel on weekends; Boyd gets quite annoyed and screams at her. Then he keeps her awake all night. Stubborn man!
Enough about Boyd.
I'm ready for renewed weight loss efforts! I'm not trying anything drastic and new (okay, I am doing a 7 day cleanse, but that's more for health than for weight loss), but I'm trying on a new attitude. I am going to celebrate every pound. Every little pound. I get so wrapped up in the next big milestone that I skip what it takes to get there. So, I made myself a twenty pound tear off tracker. Each page has an inspirational quote along with my current weight. So, I began at 282 (I just typed 182, does that tell you how in tune with my body I am?), then 281, 280, 279, etc until 262 which is the last page in my tracker. I'm going to hang it near my scale and do a victory dance each time I move to a new page.
That's my plan.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Classes rehearsed? Check!
Caffeine free Diet Coke on ice? Check!
Temporary crown replaced twice and final crowns in place? Check!
Recovered from flu? Check!
It's the week of Stampin' Up!'s North American convention. A week I love. A week that wears me out. A week of highs and sighs. A week of watching my Demonstrator Training team excelling while doing what they love-teaching and training demonstrators.
Bring it on? Check!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Stress invites me to eat. It demands that I eat. It dangles food in front of me like a tennis ball being tossed to a Golden Retriever. Must I fight nature all the time?
So, deep breath. I have a facial scheduled on Saturday. Heaven!
Monday is the 4th of July and I think I'm ready enough for Convention that I don't have to fuss over my classes that day--I can enjoy the neighborhood parade and city fireworks with my friends. Nice.
Stress helps me appreciate being busy, having loving friends, and taking some precious time to relax--even for ten minutes.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
So, my week was over this morning and I accomplished my goal. I woke up early and watched some of my DVR shows during breakfast, then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I didn't have any trouble at all turning off the tellie and getting to some chores. Feelin' pretty proud of myself right now.
I didn't lose any weight. I guess I thought no TV would automatically turn into weight loss. Silly me.
Here's what I learned. I am lonely. In a meaningful relationship sort of way. I'm sure that's not surprising to anyone but me. I've gotten so good at being on auto pilot it's become easy to ignore the ever present lack of emotional and physical love in my life. The lack of being someone's someone. I quit looking, quit putting myself "out there." I think even my family has quit wondering when I'm going to find someone. I just don't talk about it much with anyone. All those who love me care about my singleness and would be thrilled if I found the love of my life, but I think they're sensitive to the situation. You know, the proverbial 'elephant in the living room.'
It's raw and pain-filled. Perhaps I'll revisit the topic soon, but this is enough for now.
Don't worry, I am happy still. I'm just not blissfully ignorant any more.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Here's a quick re-cap of the last two months: Throw a colonoscopy, some stamping, scrapbooking, two church lessons and various friends' birthdays in with a week in Australia for convention and another week with a massive head cold and you're totally caught up! Exciting stuff, eh?
I've also been examined by all the medical professionals who insist on seeing me each year. My general practitioner, gynecologist, eye doctor, dentist, and gastroenterologist. I have my breast exam scheduled for August. So, all my body parts have been certified as healthy and functioning appropriately.
During those exams, one practitioner suggested I look into weight loss surgery. I have never considered it before. I got rather excited about it and discussed it with Kaleo, who is very supportive of it, and with my besties Anita and Cathi, whose opinions mean a great deal to me. Everyone is on board. Since then, I have completely forgotten to think about it. Weird, huh? Does that mean I'm not ready or I'm not convinced? I don't know. Maybe now just isn't the right time, but the very fact that I haven't done any more research or questioning tells me something. I just need to find out what the something is!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
I'm with my friend Paula on our way to Phoenix to see our friend Jaime and her new baby. Well also be visiting my nephew and his wife who just had a baby. I guess you could say we're on a baby crawl! Hee hee.
Nearly there! We left at 9:00 a.m. and will arrive at 9 p.m. Not bad at all.
I feel very good about my food choices today. Send me strength to continue thus!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I’m tired of being scale stuck and I’m ready to do something about it. My friend Cathi and I had a summit meeting today. We each set some goals to accomplish by April 11. Here’s my five week plan:
1. Drink water. All the time. To make this happen, I’m not drinking soda (when I do, it’s usually sugar free/caffeine free, but I don’t drink as much water when I drink soda, so no soda).
2. Eat fruit with every meal.
3. Plan meals ahead of time instead of tracking what I eat after I’ve eaten it.
4. Read Women, Food, and God every day.
I was in Boise over the weekend. Great show; great demonstrators. The first day I went to an old candy factory and bought some Idaho Spud candy bars for Parker and Landon (my friend’s boys) and a cherry nutty yummy thing (with a name I don’t know) for myself. Back in my hotel room the thought of waiting an entire 90 minutes for dinner seemed overwhelming, so I polished off a bag of Smart Food popcorn and my cherry chocolate yumminess. Within minutes, the Idaho Spud bars began to speak to me. I actually don’t like these candy bars—very mushy marshmallow covered in coconut. That didn’t stop me from making short work of both of them. Why? I wasn’t hungry; it wasn’t satisfying. I’m not sure if I was bored, anxious, lonely, or just not working hard enough to fight old behaviors.
I’m not beating myself up about it. No sense in that. I’m coming clean because that will help me document my pattern of eating then self defeating. Anytime I am honest with myself, even in retrospect, I win a small battle.
In that spirit, when I bought Cathi’s magnet today (I buy her one at every city I go to--in exchange she brings me dinner - great deal, huh?), I also bought her a candy bar that I proceeded to consume on the plane before we even took off. Here's the truth: I never ever intended to give her that candy bar. I bought it for me. It would have been so much better for me emotionally to just admit that truth while I was eating that chocolate bar!
So, here's to a healthy week for all of us!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
How long will this take? I know the answer to that--as long as it has to. Again, not happy with that platitude.
Sigh. Eye roll. Deep sigh.
Every night I go home wanting a different outcome. I want to go to bed feeling I've done something other than work, come home and eat in front of the TV, then go to bed. On the flip side, I feel like I need some down time to just chillax. What is the right balance between productive relaxation (tidying up, light cooking, stamping, reading my therapy books, hanging out with Parker and Landon) and full blown rear-on-the-recliner, brain-numbing-television-watching time?
Is it a math equation? If my day's stress=x; my ideal evening=y? Hmm.
Am I the only one who goes in spurts and gurgles with things? Right now, my kitchen sink is filled with dirty dishes, my kitchen table is filled with odds and ends I've just plopped down, and my craft room table is filled with Leadership projects not yet finished or filed away. After work, I walk right by these things, grab a bite from the fridge and plop in the recliner not to move 'til bedtime. Then, some random night, I'll attack the mess and be free from the clutter once again. I have to be in the mood, I guess. How can I create this mood if I'm not feelin' it and no one's home to make it a necessity?
Lots of questions today!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I had such an eventful birthday weekend that all thoughts of blogging flew completely out of my brain! Okay, that's not entirely true. I thought about it all day Sunday and Monday but just couldn't get myself to sit in front of the computer and spill my guts. I lost 2 pounds. I had lost 8, but on my official weigh in day, I only lost 2. Sometimes the scale is just not my friend. I suppose it's all relative if it's moving the right direction, right?
I want to congratulate Holly, Julie, Robin, Jenny, Deb, Cathi, Amanda, Alan and Ann Marie for their weight loss. A big shout out to Paula who lost 10 pounds, Cori who lost 9.5, and Jenni who lost 17 (since Jan 17). Woohoo! So far we've lost 90.5 pounds. Gee, that feels good! I'm waiting to hear from some of you, so that number should go up. If you didn't report, please do--as soon as you can!
I got a letter from the American Cancer Society last Friday. Coincidence? I think not! I plan to write out a check the end of the week (pay day is Friday).
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Hey hey! Watching the Superbowl and reporting in... I fell a bit like the Steelers must as they began the second half--wait, they just scored! Anyway, I'm behind. It's a PMS week, so I feel like the scale's not the most reliable story right now. I KNOW I will have lost 5 pounds by Feb 17th. What's your status? Email me, FB me, leave a comment on my blog!
This is what I have right now:
(I posted this on Sunday, but it went on a trip somewhere in cyberspace!)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I'm craving sugar--chocolate in particular. I rarely crave sugary things-salty is more my style. It could be mental, I'm thinking. Ha! Aren't I the funny one?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The list has grown! Here's the current group:
My sister-in-law says my brother Alan won't be motivated unless punished, so I told him he'd have to pay me 10 bucks for the American Cancer Society if he doesn't lose his weight. I know he will because I'm his favorite (and only) little sister and it's the only present I want from him!
My friend (and boss) Pam Morgan has given up sugar. I decided to join her 'til my birthday. Just that should give me a couple of pounds, eh? Cathi, you in? I'm guessing yes. Everyone else, how's it going? Robin lost a pound last week (hence the -1 by her name). Keep me posted via Facebook, email or blog!
Monday, January 31, 2011
This morning I weigh 275.5. What? No way (weigh? ha!) did I lose 1.5 pounds yesterday. I swear my scale is possessed. I will be so surprised if I'm still at 275.5 next Sunday for my official weigh in. Drives me crazy when I see a nice number early in the week but not on my weigh in day!
A fleeting glimpse of future accomplishments, I guess.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Meanwhile, if you didn't check in last week, here's the scoop: I challenge you to lose 5 pounds by my 50th birthday (Feb 17). Let me know if you want to join and how you do--if we collectively lose 150 pounds, I'm donating a dollar a pound to the American Cancer Society for us. I can't wait to see how we all do! Keep me posted, okay?
I lost a pound again this week. I also read something that resonated with me. Focus on the direction, not the destination. I think I'll add deadline to that (the part to not focus on). I am so glad I'm 15 pounds less than I was last year. Yes, it could be more. It has been painfully slow, but I ended up heading the right direction overall.
I'm going to dedicate this coming week's weight loss efforts to my niece Tamsin. Tamsin, this pound's for you!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Here's the challenge: Lose 5 pounds by Bonnie's birthday, February 17. If we collectively lose 150 pounds (that's 30 of us losing 5 pounds, right? My math can be creative sometimes!), I will donate $150 in our names to the American Cancer Society. Email me, call me, text me, leave a comment--let me know if you want to join! I'd like to list first names of all who want to be part of the challenge, so let me know if you want to be anonymous.
I know I can do this-- and it would be so much fun to have some company for this goal. PLEASE help me.
By the way, not all of you need to lose weight (you know who you are), so only play if this is healthy for you.
Oh! I lost a pound last week.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I'm not even half way there. 13.5 pounds in 50 blogs. Does that have an inspiring Julie and Julia ring to it? Kind of makes me smile, as a matter of fact. Have you noticed that magazines tempt you with article teasers like 7 ways to clean your house in 8 minutes a day? What happened to nice round numbers like 10, 15, 20? I guess I'm following trend.
So what am I proud of?
I am proud of my efforts and how I've begun this journey. I don't know how many blogs it will take 'til I've lost 50 pounds (turns out I don't lose weight blogging-weird, I know), but I know I'm not giving up. It may be 93 blogs or 127 blogs, but I'll get there. When I do, I plan to celebrate big and keep on going!
I'm proud that I'm dealing with the most destructive relationship (food) I've ever had and I'm not taking the abuse any more.
I'm proud that I sought professional help and am open to Kaleo's advice and guidance. I've read 3 of the 5 books she suggested.
I'm proud that I'm taking the time to find the root of my problem instead of just throwing solutions at it.
I'm proud that I exercise regularly at Curves and that I chart my weight regularly at Weight Watchers online.
I'm proud that I am beginning to love myself and desire that my home be a safe haven for me instead of a place where all I see is my lack of progress.
I'm proud that I've had the courage to share this with others and to bare my heart each week. Writing keeps me honest with myself, so this has been a touch stone for my emotions.
Thank you for your love and support. If I could lose weight just by channeling that, I would be a supermodel!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I am a smart woman. Why can't I conquer this? I make big plans and dream big dreams, but at the end of the day I crave - no, not the food - the numbness of eating in front of the television.
Let me paint a picture of the week for you. Last Tuesday I had a root canal on one tooth and a cavity and partial crown on another. Of course, this is on top of all the final preparations for Stampin' Up! leadership in Nashville, so I couldn't really take time off. As a matter of fact, lots of early mornings and late nights at work this week. Also, I've been fighting off a stubborn sinus infection and went back to the doctor on Friday because I wasn't feeling any better. After seeing the doc and filling my prescription, I went to work. I felt like toast (not eating it--hee hee), so I came home early and fell asleep watching Law and Order. I forgot to contact my friend Paula and cancel lunch plans, so she texted me at 2:45 to see if I wanted to pick her up or just meet her at the restaurant. Yikes! I bailed as gracefully as I could (she was gracious and understanding), then slept until 5:00 when it was time to tend the boys (Parker and Landon).
While that's not the worst week in the history of the universe (or even in my distant past), for some reason it really drained me. So much that all I could muster Saturday and Sunday was lots of recliner and television surfing time. On top of that I kept telling myself I was a drip and a loser. Harsh. I KNOW I'm not.
So it's time for me to be nice to myself. It's been a stressful, pain filled week and it's natural I would turn to a tried and true method for dealing with both things. I will feel better soon-the root canal pain is beginning to fade and I'm sure by tomorrow this antibiotic will kick in. I have a fun week ahead of me--lots of friends and hugs await in Nashville.
I'm not quitting!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Have I failed? I failed to lose 50 pounds in 50 blogs. I'm fairly sure I won't get those 'last' 33.5 pounds off prior to my 50th birthday in February either. But I'm still here, still fighting, and more determined than ever - so no, I did not fail. As a matter of fact, I am more successful now than I have been for a long time in accomplishing my overall goals. I haven't quit, I haven't gained 15 pounds, and I have begun to more clearly understand my complex relationship with food.
Here are my new goals:
Big goal: 212 by 2012
Midway goal: 245 by Convention (mid July)
Birthday goal: 264 by February 17
January 15 goal: 269
I know I can do this if I'm diligent and temperate. I feel a plateau breakthrough coming on!