#47

Where have I been? What happened to last Thursday and Sunday? Was I reluctant to post, hoping if I waited I'd have positive scale news? Did I think perhaps you'd forget my goal of 50 pounds in 50 blogs? Is it because with each post I have to face the fact that I'm not going to achieve that goal? Is it just that Christmas and Leadership (for Stampin' Up!) have taken my routine and tossed it upside down? Am I beginning this post with too many questions?

I now weigh 278.5. Hmm, when I typed that I accidentally typed 378.5, so maybe I just lost 100 pounds! Silly me. The numbers on the scale really are just numbers. This last weeks those numbers have been 274, 276, 275.5 and 277. Numbers. I would LOVE to see a 269 prior to Leadership on January 13.

On the awareness and tracking scale, I'd have to give myself a big fat (pun intended) 10. That's out of 140 for the last two weeks. I haven't been tracking my food on Weight Watchers. Want my excuse for that? In late November, Weight Watchers updated the way points are calculated, so all the regular foods that I took the time to figure out have to be re-calculated and I'm just too busy. I haven't been self praising. I'm not reading my food therapy books every day.

Don't despair--I have renewed determination. Every year between Christmas and New Year's, I read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. I won't take the time to explain the Book of Mormon more than to say it's another testimony of Jesus Christ, but if you want to research more, go to www.lds.org. Anyway, as I read it each year, I pick a theme for myself. This year's theme is Alma 38:10, "...I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things." Perfect for me, huh? I need to be diligent in recording my food, reading my books, exercising, and praising myself. I need to be temperate in my eating and my television watching. My weekly goals will reflect that.

Gentle readers (to borrow from Austen and such), I thank you for going on this journey with me. I thought it would be a 50 in 50 neatly wrapped package that could be made into a delightful movie, but it's becoming clear to me this is more like a reality show--warts and all.

#46

I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I gained. A pound and a half. I kept thinking perhaps the slight ups from the previous weeks really were water weight or hormonal weight or some other thing that could be explained away.

Am I falling apart? I hope not; I don't think so. Please indulge me as I share an analogy.

I am in labor. Not having given birth to a child, I thought labor meant the 2 hours of pushing and what-not to get the baby out. I didn't realize the hours it takes for your body to change to accommodate the actual arrival of that bundle of joy. Prior to pushing, there are hours of waiting.

I'm in the hours of waiting part. The tiring, how-much-longer-will-this-take and nothing-is-happening part. What I'm doing right now is as important as the actual delivery. I need to be patient, to give myself permission to trust my body and the weight loss process. Now is not the time to decide to bag it all, bury my head in the sand, say "This is too hard," and go home.

Now is the time to stay the course. I'm in this for the long haul, team.

Gooo Bonnie!

#45: A Calorie Saving Christmas Miracle

I must share a funny story. Sunday night I thought I was going to perish because of a massive craving for chocolate. Surprisingly, I didn't die--nor did the craving. By Monday night I couldn't fight it any more so I stopped at the store and bought a bag of Reese's miniature cups and some pumpkin seeds. I ate about 10 Reese's and 1/4 of the bag of pumpkin seeds, then tucked the plastic bag of treats, wrappers and shells next to the recliner. Tuesday night, a bit more of the same. Wednesday night I was looking forward to polishing off the two bags and couldn't wait to get home after a long work day and indulge. Well, my dear friend Anita surprised me by sending a lady to clean my house for me as a Christmas surprise. I walked in the house to a sparkling kitchen, immaculate living room, tidied up craft room, and a treat bag free television room! I searched high and low, but my treat bag must have appeared to be trash because I never found it. Hee hee! Saved by the cleaning lady.

I'm very happy with my efforts to stay away from the holiday goodies at work and I hope to have some scale success to report on Sunday!

#44

In 1975, I was a 14 year old trapped in the middle of 'What will I get for Christmas?" and "What can I give for Christmas?" Only I hadn't seen it to be a problem until well into the night of Christmas Eve when I cried to mama about my selfishness. Even then I was more upset that my brother and sisters would think poorly of me than of the missed opportunity to express my love for them with thoughtful gifts. I went to sleep one sad little teenager. At around 4:00 a.m., daddy came downstairs and woke me up to comfort me. Questionable, to try and comfort a teenager predawn, but that was my daddy! He told me about his grandmother who woke up early one Christmas morning to sell some cream in exchange for small treats to brighten her children's Christmas. After milking the cow in the freezing Idaho weather, she put the bucket in the back of a cart to take to town and sell. As she was crossing over the railroad tracks, the bucket tipped and the milk spilled into the snow. His grandmother quickly knelt down and scooped up the snow with her bare hands in order to save it to sell. Because of this, her fingers became frostbitten. That's all I know of the story. In my mind, she successfully finished her mission and arrived home to a roaring fire and rosy cheeked cherubs thrilled with her meaningful gifts. That wasn't the point of the story. Daddy wanted me to know it's not about the list of gifts I should worry about, it's the people on that list I should focus on. I learned a lesson that morning.

Every year as I struggle to find the most meaningful way to express my love to those on my list, I remind myself that honoring them is the best present I can give. In 1 Timothy 4: 14 it says, "Neglect not the gift that is in thee...." To that I add my own amen.

Oh, I lost a pound and had a 50 point week. Goooo me! I especially want to thank Lynsay's mom Donna for her lovely words of encouragement on my facebook wall.

#43

I had an amazing session last Friday morning. I had been feeling so 'jumping out of my skin' all week that I wasn't sure how I could communicate what I was feeling. As I shared with Kaleo, I stumbled on something. For some reason, I feel that even having what I consider negative emotions like jealousy, boredom, anger, loneliness, etc. is a sign of being broken. When I shared this with Kaleo I realized that I had discovered something about myself that can really help me begin to deal with my emotions. It's not that I don't know how to deal with being lonely, angry, etc., it's that I don't know how to not feel those emotions. Well, it turns out it's OKAY to feel that way! I'm not a drip or loser because I have occasional bad days. I don't have to figure out how to not feel those things, I have to figure out what to do when I feel those things.

Hmm and yay!

I gained two pounds. I feel disappointed, but I'm okay that I feel disappointed. I know I will get over that feeling and return to being able to focus on my feelings, not on my food.

#42:A Kick in the Keister, Please!

I am so discouraged. I have hit what I guess is a plateau--but I think it's an emotional one as well as a weight loss one. I want to just relax and say "Just maintain during the holidays, that will be enough," but it won't. I don't want to maintain, I want to lose. Not much. Three more pounds total 'til after Christmas. See? That's totally reasonable.

The problem is I am all over the scale these days, and by all over I mean it keeps going up-just a smidge, but up. See how I wrote that? "It keeps going up." I've removed myself from the problem. Instead of "What am I struggling with emotionally that's causing me to turn to food?", I'm apparently thinking on some level the scale is broken or stupid or it (the scale) just keeps gaining weight. That's silly! A scale is just a tool. I am seeing Kaleo tomorrow. Dollars to donuts (yum) she's going to challenge me to stop weighing myself so often. I used to weigh daily, now I weigh before each blog.

No, it's not water weight. Not PMS. I know I'm eating too much and too much of the wrong food. I can feel myself be...I don't know what it is. Stressed? Bored? I almost feel a little manic--you know what I mean? Kind of, "Ahh, who cares? I'm in charge of me and this feels good and I'm going to eat or do it!" Wow, that sounds more rebellious than manic. Who/What am I rebelling against?

Sigh.

Good news? I'm writing this while waiting to meet Cathi at Curves. She's been cleared to work out again with me (heart attack in September-scary) and I am so excited to have my work out buddy back. Cathi is a great friend and the kind of exercise buddy that is super consistent. She expects me at Curves, so I go.

I need to get my rear in gear! If you have any tips or tricks, I'm totally open. My friend Alisa went to a seminar where they learned some techniques to distract themselves when they were craving. I promise to ask her about them today at work.