#17: 15 Pound Milestone

Yay! I passed my 15 pound loss and am well on my way to 20 pounds. When I reach 25, I plan to buy myself a fabulous Rachael Ray cooking knife or pot. I'll decide when I get closer--hopefully the middle of October!

Another morning of private hilarity. Yesterday my niece Katie (love you Katie!) offered to loan me Mockingjay, the third book in the Hunger Games series. All week I had been planning to buy the book and decided I'd wait 'til I'd hit my milestone. I gladly accepted the loan, but stuck to my vow to not begin reading until I had weighed and reached my goal. I don't weigh until Sunday mornings, so I had to sleep with the book on my night stand. If you haven't read the series, you might not understand this, but the book called out to me in my sleep and I finally woke up at 3:30 a.m., weighed myself and began to read. For reals! (I fell asleep again around 5:30 a.m. and had odd dreams of Stampin' Up! being reorganized into districts and the employees being called to an assembly where Shelli (the owner) spoke to us dressed like Katniss from the book! Bizarro land, I know.)

Here's my favorite thought from Shrink Yourself: "...you run to food for refuge, then criticize yourself for overeating and end up focusing on what you've just consumed rather than the ... hurt feelings. It's easier to live with a self you've deemed temporarily lacking in self-control than with a permanently stupid or ugly self that no one wants to spend time with." For years as a school counselor I worked with students who had done their homework diligently only to 'lose' it when it was due. Their parents were frustrated about this lack of organization and would come to me hoping I could hook them up with some amazing Trapper Keeper that would prevent this from happening again. I began to wonder if these kids preferred to be seen as lazy and unprepared rather than being proven to be stupid if they handed in their attempts to do the work correctly. I've been saying for years sometimes I act like an eighth grader, here's the proof! In all seriousness, this really struck a chord in me. I haven't put myself out there (the dating scene) for years--using my weight as an excuse. Better to be rejected for being fat instead of the real essence of Bonnie. Hmm. What else have I been putting on the shelf out of self doubt?

Enlightenment is empowering, but brings responsibility.

Thanks for tuning in! While things have been consistently going well, every week, every day, every hour is a struggle to overcome this addiction.

#16

So, my Thursday morning post is happening Friday night. That fits my week. I've been a day behind all week long. By the end of the day on Monday, I felt like I'd had at least three days of the week under my belt. Lots of changes at work, some health trauma with my friend Cathi, and a monthly visit from mother nature. Thank you very much, life! Ah well. Bring it on.

I have actually felt pretty darn good about my eating. I'm not saying I didn't medicate with food once or twice, but I feel like I've been aware of what I'm eating and why---until today. This afternoon I succumbed to couch time with veggie chips and ginger snap cookies. I knew while I was munching I wasn't making the right choice. Still, I kept at it until both bags were empty. Not good. I think I was rewarding myself for functioning fairly well during a high stress week. Did I undo all the good I did earlier in the week? Perhaps as far as the scale goes. We'll see on Sunday!

All my books have arrived. Still working through Shrink Yourself. I like the premise and the writing's pretty accessible, but the case studies are kind of predictable and not too enlightening so far.

#15

I had really hoped to hit a 15 pound milestone with blog #15, but fell short. I lost .5 this week. Still, I am content with my progress towards this goal and I admit I didn't make the choices to achieve more spectacular results. Two cases in point: 1) I carefully planned my treats for the Friday swim and stamp fest, but when the Ranch flavored Doritos appeared, I gobbled; and 2)Yesterday I went to Despicable Me (such a cute show!) with Tamsin and Emma. We got there early, so we went to Wendy's and I got a kids' meal/happy meal. Without the bun and eating half the fries and Frosty, it was a respectable 8 Weight Watcher points, so not too bad. What did derail me was the movie popcorn--with butter. I knew I was eating too much of it (basically, any was too much because I certainly wasn't hungry) but I just kept at it. Argh.

My books still haven't arrived, but I also reserved some at the library on the off chance those would beat Amazon. I was thrilled that Shrink Yourself was available, so I've begun it. The basic premise is people who react to difficult situations by eating really feel powerless to deal with stress, depression, sadness, etc. in any other way. So Gould (the author) is going to show me how to regain power without using food. Interesting so far.

Anita, Richard and the boys are coming over for Anita's birthday dinner. We're having BBQ chicken salad, homemade ginger ale (Donna's recipe), gazpacho, grilled corn and avocado salsa, fruit, and of course cake and ice cream. Should be fun!

Thanks so much for your support and interest. My brother asked me the other day what was working this time-and I told him about blogging and about you-my friends and family who have allowed me to be honest and to whom I feel accountable. I am truly blessed.

#14

It's Friday! Thursday completely flew by without a chance to post.

I met with Kaleo, an LCSW, on Tuesday. I had hoped to meet with someone who was knowledgeable, approachable, and experienced in dealing with eating addictions. Kaleo is all that! I am so blessed. She has a passion for this topic and has conquered her own battle with eating addictions. Since it was the first visit, it was predictably about my past experiences with food, my attempts at weight loss, my current attitude about dieting, and why I am so ready to tackle this. She assigned me to get five books to begin this journey (she's an avid bibliotherapy proponent). I promptly ordered them all from Amazon and can't wait for them to arrive! Here are the titles:
Life is Hard, Food is Easy (Spangle)
Shrink Yourself (Gould)
Breaking Free From Emotional Eating (Roth)
Women, Food, God (Roth)
Normal Eating for Normal Weight (?)

One interesting assignment Kaleo gave me was to wake up one morning and not eat until I was truly stomach-growling, head-aching, food-needing hungry. The purpose of this was to pay attention to my body and recognize true hunger, then to feed the hunger, not the emotion. I couldn't believe that I wasn't hungry until about 11:45 a.m. on Wednesday! I took an energy bar with me to each meeting just in case the hunger appeared suddenly. CAUTION: This is NOT a recommended weight loss plan-it's an exercise in paying attention to your body-that's it. Don't skip breakfast. I mean it!

I have so much to learn. I can only work short term with Kaleo, so I'm dedicated to maximizing this experience.

In other news, today's my day off and I'm doing three of my favorite things; swimming, stamping and hanging out with friends. Doesn't get better than this!

I need to be food vigilant...powers of Bonnie and weight loss unite! Vvvvvh!

50 in 50# 13

If you had been in my bedroom this morning, you would have seen the following: Bonnie approaches scale reciting, "Please, please, please be under 280," followed by an exhale, a step on the scale, counting to five, looking at the number, then screaming, "Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!" The number was 279! I am so excited to see the last of the 280's.

I pulled it together yesterday. The week hadn't been stellar, and I really needed to have an eagle eye focus. After a great water aerobic workout with Cathi in the morning, I spent the day updating my craft room. I switched my SU ink pads and paper so they're in the new collections and put together a pile of old products to take to some of my friends for charitable organizations. All of this was to get ready for a workshop last night. The workshop was fun and a great way to end the day. I got home at 10:20 and almost snacked, but told myself to just go to bed.

Tuesday is the counselor day. I'll report on Thursday!

50 in 50 #12

Wow! The week's gone fairly well. I skipped my workout this morning, but plan to make it up with some bike time tonight. I've felt a bit slippery in my efforts this week. I wish I could put it in more specific terms, but slippery feels like a good description. I think it began with travelling home on Sunday. I usually use Sunday as a time to plan the whole week. This week I've felt less like I'm in charge of my life and more like it's in charge of me! I've been dipping into my extra weekly Weight Watchers points more than in the past weeks. I feel nibbly. Guess I'll see what the scale brings. I'm really hoping to get under 280 (pathetic to set my sights for happiness on a 279 number, isn't it?).

I made gazpacho last night-so yummy! When I can, I'll add the recipe to this post.

50 in 50 #10

I'm posting this on Wednesday instead of Thursday because I'll be in Colorado on a brief vacation with my Bryner family (my sister Annette's family) in Durango from Thursday to Sunday. I am looking forward to some baby holding, book reading, game playing and loud laughing. This is the family I spend Christmas with. As Annette's kids have grown up and married, I treasure my time with them even more. My sister Linnea was always the favorite aunt when they were younger (with good reason, she was generous with her time and money and made them a priority) and I know if she were still alive she would take advantage of being with them. I love watching them relate to one another as adults; I love watching them be parents and spouses. They are remarkable people.

So, I'm prepared. I've stocked 3 point snacks in baggies so I can keep track of my car food and stay on track. I really don't know what else to do. I can't plan ahead because I don't know what we'll be eating. I will make sure to fill up on veggies when possible. Other than that, it's going to be mental. I can enjoy myself without junk food, can't I? Maybe I should always offer to hold the baby during meals so I can pace myself to eat slowly. Hmm. Food for thought (pun intended).

My friend Sam's comments on my last post have given me another tool for success during this little vacation. I'm going to keep a list of my NSV's (non-scale victories) and post them in my next post. I hope to have 20 NSV's to report!

My next post will be Monday morning so I can update my weight (I won't be home 'til late Sunday and don't want to weigh Sunday night--hellooo!).

Thanks for caring! I really appreciate your comments and support.

50 in 50 #11: 10 Pound Milestone

Yay, I hit my milestone!

I typed that sentence last Wednesday as an encouragement to me, and I'm really happy to not have to delete it.

I was about 80/20 with control vs. throw caution to the wind. Maybe closer to 60/40 by the end of the week. Clark and Lyndsay brought some chocolate back from Europe, so I did enjoy some of that. German chocolate doesn't have as many calories, right? Oh, and Tamsin made some really yummy gluten-free birthday cake for Emma's celebration, so I had a large piece of cake and some ice cream. Otherwise, I just tried to keep my portions in control and stick to my pre-planned treats.

Here's the list of my NSV's (non-scale victories):
1. Side salad instead of fries for lunch
2. No mexi-fries (tater tots) for dinner
3. Very little caffeine
4. Worked out at Curves before we left on Wednesday
5. Used my pre-packed snacks
6. Ate grapes at Mesa Verde instead of filling up on other snacks
7. Recorded my food
8. Stood on a train for 4 hours
9. Drank lots of water
10. Read my Diane (Curves founder) magazine
11. On the way home, only ate 15 potato chips when I really wanted the whole bag

Here's a brief trip summary (non-food): Wednesday we drove to Monticello Utah and stayed there for the night. Emma (my 3 year old grand niece), kept calling our hotel a hotelo since we were in Monticello. Pretty hysterical, huh? Thursday we met up with three of the Arizona-ites at Mesa Verde. Loved it! That night we finally joined with the rest of the family and found our great cabin/house just outside of Durango. Friday my sister, brother-in-law and I rode the train on a narrow gauge railroad from Durango to Silverton. Beautiful! We stood in the open air gondola most of the time. Saturday was a slice of heaven. Lazy morning, brief jaunt to historic Durango, then back to the house for a lazy afternoon and Emma's birthday celebration. Sunday was all about traveling home.

50 in 50 #9

I lost 1.5 pounds. Okay. I'm kind of bugged because earlier in the week I'd shown a greater weight loss and really thought I'd hit my 10 pound mark. But today, no. I've got to limit weighing to just Sundays in order to avoid this kind of emotional roller coaster. 1.5 pounds is exactly what I should be aiming for. Have I convinced you that I've convinced myself of that? Sigh.