#33: Re-prioritizing

When I met with Kaleo on Friday, I kind of wondered what we'd talk about. After all, I'm progressing beautifully. Summary: I've read three of the five books she recommended, I pay attention to why I'm eating, I've uncovered some hard truths I've been avoiding, and I'm losing weight. Don't I sound like an advanced client?

So I began by telling her about my weight loss the week before even with a weekend of travel and not feeling well. I also told her I'd taken a veggie tray to work the day before to help me avoid the office treats, but I was disappointed because I ate so many veggies even though I wasn't hungry. After all, the addiction doesn't distinguish between carrots and chocolate, right? It doesn't matter what I eat if I'm eating emotion instead of food.

Turns out I'm seriously wrong. Kaleo was genuinely disturbed by my frustration with myself. She firmly told me that eating carrots and only 5 mini candy bars is worth celebrating, not haranguing myself. Hmmm. Go figure. She asked me if I've been self-praising. Um, no. Even when I pre-planned my travel meals and stuck to my plan. Even when I passed on treats and avoided snacking in my hotel room. Even when I avoided fast food after a stressful weekend. Geesh, what does it take for me to be impressed with my efforts?

I am re-prioritizing (I don't think that's a real word, but it works!). You'll notice my weight loss has moved down on my list to the left. Instead, every week I'm going to document the number of days I tracked my food and the number of days I praised myself at least 10 times. So, back to NSV's (Non-scale victories). Of course, I'll also weigh every week, but my goal is to use the scale as one of many performance indicators instead of the only one.

Today at church I sat behind one of my favorite cute families. At one point, both the mom and dad complimented the older toddler on his coloring skills. It made me smile. That's what I need to do for myself, with just as much sincerity and love.

Good job, Bonnie! I'm so proud of you for being aware of what you eat and trying to eat healthy foods. Even thought it's Halloween, you really tried to make good choices. You weren't perfect, but you are working soo hard.

My dear friends, it means the world to me that you take the time to read my blog and follow my journey. Your kind thoughts, comments, emails, phone calls and facebook posts lift me and help me stay motivated and focused. If that's all it takes, I'd be set. Turns out I need to be my own head cheerleader! I challenge you to do the same. What are you doing right? Did you work out even though you didn't want to-even for only 10 minutes? Did you eat 2 brownies instead of the whole pan? Did you take the time to say something kind to someone else? Praise yourself!

Good job gang! We are amazing! Oh, and by the way, I gained 4.5 pounds. I'll lose it soon.

#32

I don't aspire to be thin; I desire to control my food addiction.

Really, I can't imagine myself a size 2, 4, 6, or 8. I've been given a fairly large personality and don't know if it will fit in a smaller body.

I'm aiming first for under 200. After that I'll see.

I want to embrace all the emotions of a full life, not cocoon myself against pain.

I want to live my best life now.

#31

I didn't post on Thursday because I forgot. I forgot because I was sick. I think I was sick because I'm trying to face some tough truths. Of course, the three weekends of travel in a row could have contributed to that. Anyway, I didn't post.

I lost three pounds this week. I am very glad about that, but I didn't do a happy dance (okay, maybe a little one) because I don't feel like I was much in control. I am thrilled to be under 270. I would love to never see that decade of numbers again! Hopefully that will be the case.

So, tough truths:
1) I sometimes feel worthless and if people really could see me, they'd realize what a fraud I am.
2) Food doesn't always give me what I need, but it's the most reliable relationship I've had in years.
3) Being fat protects me from facing my other weaknesses. It's easier to blame all my failings on one big thing (pun intended) than to face the multitude of other things I need to improve.
4) I have a lot to learn and many challenges to conquer to overcome this.

Onward and upward! I'm tired, but even tired people can fight the battle of the bulge.

#30

I lost a pound. I mean, I lost a pound! That's kind of how I feel. I am happy. Really.

I did a very bad thing a couple of weeks ago prior to the merry go 'round of travel I've been riding recently. I plotted out my weight loss and where I should be at certain times in order to hit my goal of 50 pounds by Feb 17, 2011. Turns out I'm now behind. So instead of celebrating my hard earned one pound weight loss, I am bemoaning the fact that I'll never make my goal. I was secretly hoping to surpass it. Silly me! When will I learn to take things one day at a time?

I did spend some flying time looking at my relationship with food. It's been interesting to sort out my feelings. I am not delving too deep right now-I didn't feel like breaking into little pieces in an airport and part of me feels like that's what will happen if and when I finally fully confront this. The Shrink Yourself book would say I'm catastrophizing things. Spell check says that's not a word. Should be.

Question of the day: Should I make an appointment to fall apart or just let it happen?

#28 & #29: Back on track and on the road again

I'm cheating a smidge here because I forgot to post my brief but timely entry from Monday. So, I'm just adding my Thursday post to the Monday one (which is really last Sunday's post). Lost anyone? If you even still care, read on!

Monday's post:
Hi all y'all! Columbia was sooo wonderful! The demonstrators from that area are so gracious and were truly lovely. We stayed in a great hotel and kind of had a low key weekend-much needed for my body and soul. The only downside is I didn't get to see my sweet niece Jennie who is raising her family in that area.

I lost 5.5 of the 6 pounds I gained last week! I am so glad. I worked very hard at it and believe me, I totally wanted to turn to food several times.

Another trip this weekend-St. John's Newfoundland. More later!

Thursday's post:
It's bright and early, but I want to post before I fly out. It's going to be a long travel day-8:45 a.m. to midnight. I'm taking snacks and think I'll have time for dinner in the Toronto airport, so I should be good.

So, my therapy session last Monday was intense. I felt almost ill going in to see Kaleo, but I really feel an urgency to make good use of my time with her so I pushed through. I feel hopeful and frightened at the same time. I think I'm afraid to put myself out there on the dating scene. Food hasn't met all my needs, but it's been pretty reliable. Being overweight has insulated me from taking risks and possibly being hurt again (a series of failed romances during college and just after). It sounds so melodramatic as I type this. I realize the failed relationships from my late 20's are part of my history and that I have since gained a lifetime of experience and skills that will help me face the positives and negatives of relationships. I just get tired even thinking about it. Kaleo told me I don't have to focus on that too much right now, so I'm just putting it on the table and looking at it every once in a while.

I guess I'll have plenty of plane time to process this mess.

My sweet niece Tamsin and my grand niece Emma left Salt Lake yesterday to move to Arizona. I'm going to miss having them so close. Big hole.

I want a donut-the chocolate ones at the gas station. Or chips. Maybe both.

#27

Today I'm off to Columbia South Carolina. To my knowledge, I've never been to SC, so I'm looking forward to it. It's just hard to be on the road so much. Now I know how my team feels (okay, not really because after next week this is three weekends in a row and some of them have done five).

I've pre-planned my meals for this weekend. Breakfast is two eggs, two pieces of bacon and 1/2 cup hash browns. Lunch is 4 ounces of turkey, 1 slice cheese, mayo, potato chips and 5 points of chocolate. Dinner is 4 ounces of chicken breast, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes, and salad. We'll see how it goes. I won't be eating in the same place every day, but I figure I can mix and match if needed while keeping an eye on my overall Weight Watcher points. If this works, I'll repeat the procedure next weekend.

Smiles! Send positive messages to the universe for me, okay?

#26: A Reality Check?

I gained 6 pounds. I know some of that is flight related, but 6 pounds? No. Fact is, I mostly didn't pay attention. I had nibbles of chocolate, dessert, rich soups, candy bars, and chips. I don't know if it was necessarily addiction compelling me or if I just got lazy. Since I don't think it was addictive behavior, I bet it was. If I take the time to dig deeply, I will see that I was soothing myself or somehow using food to escape my emotions.

So, let me dig, okay? (If you haven't already figured it out, I'm an extrovert and really have to voice things out loud to see about their truth-and writing has always helped me be more 'real' with things.) What emotions was I dealing with? Anxiety over not being super familiar with the show and my role, sadness about a work situation, fatigue (is that an emotion?) from not sleeping well and being on east coast time, pain in the dang knees, and more stuff I probably am not aware of.

I've spent all day today digging into the past 22 years of my life to identify my pain points. Just doing this is a pain point! A very big blessing is I've been a prolific journal writer, so I have much to refer to. A big obstacle is I only have my point of view to go on, so my experiences are already biased for or against me depending on my self love at the time. Interesting!

Well, I'm not giving up. Therapy next Monday morning should be interesting. Meanwhile, I'm not going down without a fight with the scale. I mean it, I need to make this happen no matter how many weeks I spend on the same 5-8 pounds. Not giving up! Hear that, universe?