282.6: A hop across the pond

Hiyer! It's been a crazy month - we hosted the Rising Stars here at the office and I've been to England and back since last I wrote. It was wonderful--Stampin' Up! convention in Manchester.

I wish I had an earth shattering update regarding dieting. I don't. I am working with my doctor to see if I can find a way to suppress my appetite long enough to make better food decisions, but I've been travelling or had such an odd schedule for the past three weeks that I don't know if the pills are really doing anything. We'll see. Maybe once I get over jet lag and back into a routine? Wait! It's Thanksgiving in two days, then I fly to Washington DC for a conference. So much for a routine, huh?

The best thing I can report is I walked all over Manchester and didn't have achey knees every night. As a matter of fact, my calves hurt from walking so much. It's been years since I've been able to be active enough to have sore calves...yay!

280.4: Self Mastery or Self Acceptance?

Not surprisingly, I've had a bit of a food binge. In some ways there's too much food to choose from. Weird, huh? Once I quit putting foods in the 'no' category, I got a bit carried away. No tracking. Lots of snacking.

I'm searching, searching, searching. And eating, eating, eating. I don't know what I'm searching for. Sorry for getting all transcendental on you, but if I wait til I get it figured out I may never post again.

Something I've been thinking about is my purpose in life and how to accept and honor who I am while at the same time pushing myself to be more.

Tricky.

?: Bonnie is Rebooting

Be patient, this may take some time. The rebooting, that is.

After my last emotional blog post, I had an equally emotional week. And weekend. Early in the week I told my friend Cori "I want to eat all day." And I did. All day, all night, all weekend. I ate carb-filled food. I craved potatoes, bread, chips, chocolate. I ate nachos three times a day one day. I ate frosting from the can. It's not really that good, but it was sweet. I had popcorn with butter an average of once per day (twice on Sunday). Nary a vegetable nor fruit crossed my lips. I had access to both. Tomatoes from my garden, apples from my neighbor's, salad mix from the store. Cucumbers. Peppers. Healthy things spoiled in my refrigerator while I foraged for something to fill up my emotional hole.

Emotional holes can't get filled by food.

My sweet niece Jennie shared this thought from a talk by Richard G Scott, an LDS church leader, with me:

 

"Simple, consistent, good habits lead to a life full of bountiful blessings.

We can learn, grow and become like Him one consistent step at a time."

Regardless of religion, this thought contains truth. I need to get back to simple, consistent, good habits.

Today I ate fresh vegetables. Lots of them. I like vegetables and can consistently eat them.

I love how I feel today. I love who I am today.

That's a start, right?

And, by the way, thank you for your support. Blogging really does help me--because you take the time to read and to care. I genuinely appreciate you.

277: I'm Gonna Have to Re-think This...

Of course, I partied all weekend. I went to three movies, watched a ton of television, sat around and ate. Movie popcorn with extra butter, chocolate covered cinnamon bears, pizza, nachos...and I didn't track anything.

That's my quick update. I had breakfast today at 8:00 and haven't decided whether I'm Medifasting or FastDieting.

In my experience, I am successful on a specific diet program the first time I do it. When I return to it, I'm not as successful. I think that's because I've figured out how to 'bend' the rules and still lose. With that attitude and approach, I don't know if I can Medifast...but I have a bunch of Medifast food. Oh, and I like how I feel on it. Oh, and it's easy to follow.

I just don't know which direction to turn. I want to be healthy so my body doesn't ache all the time. I want to be healthy because I'm worth it.

I'm stressed today. Sorry to be a downer. I just don't believe in myself right now as far as making good food choices. That makes me sad. I'm a good person and I deserve to be a better friend to myself.

Harrumph. Sigh.

273.0: Not That Fast-Thoughts at Noon

I'm posting during lunch today because I'm fasting. I'm not laughing, relaxing, de-stressing with my friends. I'm drinking 5 calorie broth and updating my blog. Kinda grumpy about that--I'll be honest.

The Friday fast ended well. I did go to dinner with friends, but I had a broth based chicken posole soup and a side salad. I also had several bites of a flourless chocolate cake. Still, the day ended well and I had lost a couple of pounds when I weighed on Saturday morning.

Saturday went fairly well with food except I grazed all day. You ever have those days? Not a huge problem with calories, but I felt food was managing me instead of the other way around. Still, not too bad. I decided after my dinner to begin my next fast. That was 8:30 p.m.

So I fasted from 8:30 p.m 'til after church at 12:30 p.m. which gave me 16 hours of no food. The goal is 12 hours or longer and it's okay to combine sleeping hours to achieve that. At 12:30 I ate 200 calories of a caprese salad (tomatoes, basil and fresh mozzarela cheese). At 1:30 I ate another 200 calories of garlic toast and peanuts. At 4:00 I ate 130 calories of popcorn, unbuttered and tasteless. At 9:00 p.m. I thought I was going to die, so I went to bed. By 10:00 p.m. I had eaten about 700 calories of tomatoes on toast, mixed nuts, peanut butter and chocolate chips. REALLY. Not a successful fastdiet day.

Today I'm following the original plan. I had a 100 calorie breakfast at 7:30 and plan to eat a 400 calorie dinner at 7:30 tonight. I'm looking forward to it--spaghetti casserole, cottage cheese and garlic bread. Yum, huh? We'll see how the rest of the night goes. I'm hoping a later dinner will combat the 'go to bed muchies' that I fought on Sunday.

The spaghetti casserole is a Paula Deen recipe. Here's the link:
http://thedeenbros.com/index.php/recipes/recipe_detail/mamas_spaghetti_casserole_with_baked_garlic_herb_bread/

Here's a picture:


This is my last FastDiet day for the week. For the rest of the week I'm committed to 1) drink 132 ounces of water, 2) track my food, 3) eat 4/5 veggies or fruit and 4) make a plan for every day.

Hope you're well! Thanks for following...

274: Eat, Fast, and Live Longer

For a year now I've been 272. Most of the time. I dipped to 259 (once), stayed 264 for several weeks, but I seem settled at 272. The absence of long term, sustained loss is frustrating.

Until I remember I was in the 290's when I began. Twenty pounds down is significant--especially when that involved reversing a gain pattern. I had to halt, reverse and lose. So I celebrate those twenty gone.

And I yearn for twenty more.

So I'm trying something different. During one of my pre-surgery sleepless times, I watched a show on PBS hosted by Michael Mosley "The Truth About Exercise" http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01cywtq which led me to another show hosted by him: "Eat, Fast and Live Longer" http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01lxyzc. (In case my links don't work, just google Michael Mosley and you'll get a bunch of references.)

In brief and without giving any of the heaps of scientific research that supports it, you fast for 2 days of every week. In some places it's called 'alternate day fasting.' The days don't have to be back to back, and you actually eat 500 calories on those days. The idea is to go for 12 hours without food.. So, 200 calories for breakfast at 7:00 a.m, then 300 calories for dinner at 7:00 p.m. Or 500 calories at dinner after a day of fasting (which is what I'm doing today merely because I have a dinner planned with friends and want all my calories to use for it). The other five days? Eat normally. Like I said, there's more in depth stuff to read...I'm just giving an overview.

That's what I'm doing. Not sure if you know it, but members of my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or Mormons)) fast the first Sunday of each month. So I figure on that day I get a two-fer. Yay for me!

Anyway, I'm fasting today. I had 10 pumpkin seeds on the way to work after physical therapy, ate 8 almonds 20 minutes ago, and have had 88 ounces of water. I'm heading for some beef bouillon in a bit. It's been a busy day and my normal lunch buddies aren't around so I didn't have to decline a lunch invitation. It hasn't been that bad, really. And I get to eat tomorrow. I can do almost anything for one day. That's the simple beauty of it.

I'm planning to Medifast on my non-fast days.

271.4: Pinteresting Temptations

Yay! I've lost weight. I am happy about that! Big pat on the back cuz it wasn't easy!

Pinterest can be dangerous to a diet. Very. Dangerous. I decided to make some freezer meals to have on hand (friends are having babies or are busy and a quick meal might be just the thing), so I jumped onto my Pinterest board, Recipes To Try, to pick some, well, recipes to try. In doing so, I found brownies, cakes, cheesecakes, dips...oh so many lovely things.

I caved. Not bad, but I caved.

You're going to laugh, I promise. I ran across a recipe for carb 'free' pancakes - one mashed overripe banana and two eggs. I had eggs. I had an overripe banana. I made pancakes. They were nasty. I added 2 tablespoons of gluten free flour, some salt and vanilla and made some more. They were good. I ate 7 pancakes. With butter. And syrup. Yum!

So the battle continues. My main goal is to log every bite in Fitbit. I have a SU event in September and I would like to be 10 pounds thinner by then. Wait! My goal is to see 259.8 before I leave on September 17. There, now that's a goal.

How are you doing? Everyone happy? Good! You deserve it. Remember to eat for fuel, eat often, and eat enough. Your body, spirit and mind will all be happy.

276.4: Knowledge is Power

I haven't weighed since my last blog post, but as you can see from the weight gain I've certainly eaten. Lots of treats. Not very much fuel. I know I haven't been in control of myself. I'm giving myself a break because I'm still healing. I turn to food for comfort when I'm bored, tired, in pain. Ergo, the non-stop eating. I am, after all, human. Or am I rationalizing poor choices? Hmm.

Recovery update: I worked Monday and Tuesday last week then stayed home the rest of the week. I think I wore the wrong kind of shoes and/or walked too much on Tuesday at work because my left calf muscle tightened up like a drum and then began to spasm. I spent much of Wednesday and all of Thursday icing and heating it. I won't lie--I was pretty miserable. However, I think it was a blessing in disguise because I'm feeling much more fit for work in mind and body this week. Tomorrow it will be six weeks since the surgery. I kinda think it takes six weeks for your body to process all the anesthesia stuff out of your system. Regardless, I'm feeling much better--I'd say 90% functioning. Yay!

I have a Medifast order coming this Friday and enough meals to get me to that point, so I'm back on program. Here are my goals:

1) Drink 120 oz of water. I quit doing that.
2) Track all food. I quit doing that.
3) Eat all my Medifast meals.

I hope your quest for health is going better than mine! Hey, we're not giving up, are we? NEVER!

267.2: Back to Work

I'm ba-ack! (Sung in a slightly sinister voice like.) I am returning to work today and shall attempt to repeat this amazing feat two other days this week (I have Friday off and get to take another day off as a convention thank you day).

Last week was Stampin' Up!'s annual convention here in Salt Lake City. There were 5800 demonstrators attending. It was such a full week--and one I wouldn't have missed for anything in the world. Blessedly, my knee did very well. I stayed at the Marriott directly across the street from the Salt Palace and SU arranged a nifty jazzy scooter for me--that's the only way I could really attend. I was able to go to the hotel for a few hours each day and put my knee up. I snuck in one day of physical therapy also. The scooter required me to keep my knee bent which was both good and bad--helpful for my flexion, but I think it kind of wore me out too. The pain wasn't too bad either. I was able to keep on top of it with Tylenol and ibuprofen most of the time. One night I took a Lortab. Overall, the week was successful and very fulfilling. I truly have the best job in the world!

Last night is the first that I felt deep, deep pain. Not extreme pain, but the deep in the bone kind. I was so tired I just kind of flailed around and slept through it. I was actually grateful to wake up this morning and get moving around. I'd rather have sore muscle pain than that bone deep kind.

The diet begins again today. I'm in need of a Medifast order, but I have enough meals to get me moving in the right direction until I can get one. Several of my demonstrator friends have inspired me by their results. It's so much fun to see them healthy and happy. I want to feel that way again also. Soon my knee won't be a barrier to some walks around the neighborhood. Until then, I can be riding my stationary bike more. All of that should help me along the way, right?

I'll keep posting my progress. Thanks for reading and caring!

266.6: History repeats itself

This is exactly what I weighed last year at this time! In one way that's hard to admit because I hoped to be in such a different place. In another way I feel glad that I've basically kept off the weight I lost.

I thought during my knee recovery I'd have all sorts of time to examine my eating habits and my emotional connection to food. I do have the time, but not the focus. Or maybe I don't want to. As I'm healing I'm certainly trying to fuel my body instead of using food as a crutch. I haven't been following Medifast. Neighbors and friends have brought me some delicious, nutritious meals and I'm trying to enjoy the food in moderation. My plan is to Medifast again after the upcoming Stampin' Up! convention next week. Woot, woot!

Nothing too exciting this post, but wanted to update things.

268.6: 4th of July

Something's wrong with the blogger program today, so the formatting is all off. Sorry! Happy 4th of July! I'm currently positioned at station #2 enjoying a surprisingly cool 70 degree morning. Katie and Annette are bustling about the house cleaning up breakfast, chasing cobwebs from the light in my bedroom that have plagued me ever since I came home, and getting readyfor the day. I feel content and happy to be on this side of the knee replacement. Let me back up a bit and recount the past weeks since I've been absent from the blog-o-sphere during the early days of my recovery. Wed, June 19 at 10:00 I was surgered at Alta View hospital. Most of that day is a blur of pushing the pain med button every 10 minutes. Loene was with me the majority of the day. PT came to get me up to walk, but all I could do was sit on the edge of the bed. I was so lightheaded! Thurs, June 20 - Sat, June 22 held such joys as having the drain removed (ouch), trying to drink broth, doing a few walks with PT (ne of which nearly had me passed out in front of the nurses' station), washing my hair (joy), visiting with friends (more joy) and letting Loene and the wonderful nursing staff take care of me. My pain was pretty well controlled. The only intolerable thing was the itching the pain meds caused. Once I realized that's what was happening we also got that under control. On Saturday June 22 I transferred to Rocky Mountain Care. It's a short stay full care facility where l could get ongoing nursing as well as begin physical and occupational therapy. I was devastated to see they were putting me in a shared room. I know I sound spoiled, but I was in a private room last time, so I just assumed. Well, I fell apart when the admissions nurse was interviewing me. Darling Brooke, sweet Brooke, great-at-her-job Brooke told me she had just discharged someone and they would get me moved as soon as possible. It took hours to get me into the room--we later learned housekeeping had gone already and Brooke cleaned and sanitized the room herself. Really! My hero. I was so emotional that night--I felt sad and weepy and alone. When I was still crying all day Sunday I realized it was the anesthesia. Schwoo! It was a relief to know I wasn't really losing it. Monday June 24 - Friday June 28 I did physical and occupational therapy every day. I began with PT each day at 8:00 a.m. It worked best for me to do it on an empty stomach and to get it over early. My physical therapist was great--kind of scary and tough which was good for me. My OT, on the other hand, set my teeth on edge. A very intense young woman who really takes her work seriously, I found her to be condescending and overbearing. I know she was just doing her job, but did I really need a safety belt while I sat in a chair and did the arm bicycle? Oh, and she was so distressed that I wanted to shower without the CNA's help that she requested to observe me! I was more bugged by her questioning my judgement than the invasion of privacy. Just too intense for me. Nevertheless, I survived. I had tons of visitors which helped immensley. Friday June 28 I came home to begin the real work of getting around the house with a new knee. Loene, Katie and Annette have taken turns being with me. They have been amazing at filling the ice machine (a lovely thing that keeps my knee from swelling), feeding me, doing laundry, and just entertaining me. Helping them have been a myriad of friends bringing ice, caffeine free Diet Coke, meals, and generally distracting me from the pain of recovery. I began outpatient Physical Therapy on Monday and thought I'd die just from the ride to the facility with my leg down and not on ice. The therapist is very homework based and only wants me to come in a few times each week. He says the most improtant therapy will happen at home - I do simple exercises for 5 minutes every two hours. I can't believe how much more I can do now than I could do on Monday! I love to see the progress and feel very hopeful about a continuing quick recovery. I haven't been dieting. I will begin that battle again soon. Maybe tomorrow. :)

Friday June 21: Altaview Hospital

Trying to compose this post from my Kindle. Let's see how that works! I checked in at 9 on Wed,was in recovery by 11. Much less pain this time. Loene brought me and stayedvall day. I was in and out of sleep all day. Karen & Jo Ann stopped by. Later Cathi & Spencer came. I didn't sleep that night...I was itchy from the pain meds. Thurs morning I got up to walk and did a tiny bit of therapy. We took me off the pain pump so it took some experimenting to get the right balance. Loene came at 11. Lovely visits with Brian,Carrie,Brandi,Derek,Pam, Jennifer & Mike.More walking. CPM machine going, so pain & stiffness. Last night slept quite well.

273.4: A Summer Cold

Sneeze, wheeze, cough, swallow-ouch! Repeat. That's a snapshot of the last few days. My niece Katie spent the weekend with me--she just moved back from Virginia to begin a new job in Ogden--and we both succumbed to sICK. Still, she was great company and we had a fun time.

I love my family. I am so blessed to be part of a rambunctious, loving, united family. My brother and sisters, their kids, and their kids' kids enrich my life and keep me balanced. Add to that my expanded family of friends and neighbors and I'm the luckiest gal alive. Lots of love, I'll tell you.

I'm feeling a bit sentimental today, I guess.

Diet is not happening, but neither is eating, so that's a wash. No appetite. I'd rather sleep than eat--now that's a mouthful!

Surgery to replace my right knee is a week from today. Wow!

274: Post Australia

Hello! I am back from Australia and nearly back to a normal sleeping pattern. Yay!

How was the trip? In a word, wonderful! The flights were unremarkable (which is a good thing), the friends I travelled with were delightful, and most importantly being with the Australian and New Zealand demonstrators was AWESOME! Truly, these women (and men) are so loving, so enthusiastic, so gracious, so them that it filled my cup just to be there. Add the lovely city of Brisbane with easy access to delicious restaurants, a hotel that was maybe 100 yards away from the convention center, and a not-to-be-missed local market the day we left, and this was an unforgettable jaunt.

How was my eating? Mixed. I will confess that I didn't even try to diet. I didn't record my food. I ate way too much chocolate. Cadbury. It's so good. And they have different Cadbury in Australia than we do. Did I say it's good? Creamy, yummy, lovely. I also ate lots of delicious fresh fruit and salads. Australia is superior to America in gluten free offerings at restaurants, so that wasn't a problem at all.

Stress and soda caused a hiatal hernia flare up which caused a problem for the set up days. Once I realized that's what was happening, Mylanta and loads of water solved everything.

I got back home to an empty refrigerator. My only food was Medifast and some chicken breasts I had baked and frozen before the trip. So, during the brain and body travel hangover time I drank water and ate my diet food. For four days. Probably the best thing that could have happened. I was just too tired to go to the store. Here's what I've learned: if it's available, I'll eat it. So, I'm not going to buy slices of cheese anymore. Or turkey pepperoni. I really do need to stock my fridge and pantry with veggies, veggies, and more veggies.

So, my current goals are:
1) Log my food in Fitbit.
2) Get back to 120 oz of water a day.
3) Blog on Wednesdays and Sundays.

Thanks for checking in and caring! Happy, healthy days are ahead...

275: On my way to Australia

I'm not shocked to see a gain. I'm eating more calories and not moving very much. That combo is a guaranteed weight gain plan. Too bad that's not my plan, huh?

It's been a bit of a rough ride the last few weeks. It seems like I'm busy at work, busy at home, busy at church--just...busy. I'm not sleeping too well which adds to the feeling of needing a bit of down time-and to reward myself with a treat after a busy day. I keep reminding myself that after June 19 I'll have enforced relaxation, so I need to enjoy my current mobility.

My knee replacement surgery has been postponed--the MRI was blurry, so we had to do it again and lost a week of time for my knee to be 'built', so June 19 is the new date.

Last night is a slice of my recent month's packed schedule. After a full day of work, I had a 5:00 webinar, a 6:00 dinner with friends and an 8:00 hair appointment. I was 10 minutes late to dinner and had to leave early to not be late for my hair. By the time I got home, I needed an hour of unwinding to get to sleep. The unwinding included a mixture of cheese popcorn and kettle corn which I bought on my way home from the hair cut. At least I put some in bowl instead of just eating out of the bags.

I'll be in Australia for a bit over a week, so I've set some goals to help me stay focused while allowing for travel flexibility. I don't know what kind of food will be available, so I'm pre-planning based on some assumptions of an abundance of fruit and veggies.

1) I will eat small meals every 2-3 hours.
2) I will make green, leafy vegetables the main portion of my plate at lunch and dinner.
3) I will allow myself a small 1 inch cube of dessert when a gluten free option is available.
5) I will drink water.
6) I will say nice things to myself.
7) I will track my food in a journal.

I leave for Australia on Saturday, so I won't be posting until I return on May 27.

273: Roller Coaster & Mothers' Day

I don't thing Roller Coaster is the best word to describe my weight loss ups and downs. Roller Coasters are fun scary, but more fun than scary. Maybe Ferris Wheel? It feels like a cycle of seeing the big picture then being in the heat of the moment and using food instead of eating it. I'll quit trying for the perfect amusement park analogy, okay?

So, Mothers' Day, huh? Hope yours was happy. Acceptable. I personally love Mothers' Day, but I know many who don't--including mothers, waiting for children, singles, you name it. The day seems to be fairly polarizing.

My mother was a blessing to me. Not perfect, but pretty darn close. My older sibs frequently comment that I had a different mother than they did--I say they broke her in, so I had a kinder, gentler Beth Crook Thurber. Mama was a great 'homemaker' which was the appropriate phrase for her generation. She tirelessly cleaned, cooked, gardened, sewed, preserved, and nurtured our talents. She created a family that was unified and supportive. She taught us to be dependable and responsible. Her word was law in our home. If she said no the first time, you never asked again--whining and wheedling just cemented the no.

Mama also taught me, unintentionally, about emotional eating. She loved a treat while she was reading in bed, fresh bread on a rainy day, and ice cream for rough times. I watched her watch her weight all my life. She was diagnosed with diabetes when I was ten, so I also saw her successfully control her sugar levels with the exchange diet. She walked every day. I should say we walked every day. We'd begin at our house and pick up friends & dogs along the way. I loved our evening strolls.

Body image lessons? Mama made most of my clothes until I was old enough to sew my own beginning in junior high school. I remember her fitting a new dress or skirt to me and patting my hips and sighing, "If we could just get a bit off here." I don't feel scarred for life or anything, but forty plus years later I do remember. That says something, doesn't it. My two-years-older-than-me sister, Linnea, was tiny. Actually, probably undernourished (I'm thinking celiac disease here). Anyway, I was frequently mistaken for the older sister which wasn't a problem until puberty hit me and left her behind. Suddenly I was 'big boned' and 'husky'. It was hard. I disliked shopping for school clothes and preferred to make my own so I didn't have to fit into a specific size that was 2 sizes larger than Linnea.

My mama loved me and did the best she could. I'm responsible for the decisions I make about food, not my loving mother.

271.4: Fighting the good fight

Hello! I am feeling so happy and strong today. I'm super busy at work, a bit stressed. Last night I found myself buying gluten free cookies (Udi's gluten free, tasty but pricey), mixed nuts, and chocolate. Why I think a sweet/salty treat will make everything better is really mind boggling, but I do. I'm not alone, right?

Anyway, I woke up early this morning to get a jump on a loooong work day. I immediately thought of ways to treat myself for being such a great worker--maybe starting with a large Diet Coke and two sausage burritos at McDonald's, some chips and salsa during rehearsals for the Australia/New Zealand convention, and perhaps a Fast Break candy bar (my personal favorite).

Guess what? You'll never guess...

I decided the best way to treat myself is to follow my plan. Drink water, eat small meals every few hours, and update my blog.

Go me! Go you! Thanks for your love and support--it really makes a difference.

P.S. A dear friend shared some insights from her personal journey. I think she wouldn't mind me sharing some of those with you.

• Eat for taste & for physical need but NOT to make up for what I don’t or didn’t have at some point in my life. Food won’t address those things. 
• Force closes the heart. In other words, when I try and force my will to lose weight and keep up the fight, my heart shuts down and there is no joy.
• I eat to leave a situation/emotion. I bolt. Don’t keep leaving myself!!! What’s there to deal with or feel when I don’t bolt? Stay with that and move through it. . . food doesn’t address or fix it.

272: Fall, Pride Goeth Before the

This time it was the melting chocolate chips. A bag. Not a small bag, the rest of the bag of melting chips I bought. Monday night I was compelled to finish it, to banish it from my house by consuming it, killing it off. I even remember thinking "Good, this way it will be all gone." I didn't savor the sweet chocolate--they add waxy, oily stuff to the melting kind so it will melt better--I just inhaled. Didn't nibble. Didn't indulge. Inhaled.

I feel sad for me, mad at me, and a bit pouty.

On an unrelated topic, here's the conversation I had with my ortho on Monday morning:

Ortho: What are we seeing you for today?
Me: My other knee hurts. I've had the series of weekly injections to give me 6 months of relief, and it still hurts.
Ortho: Oh?
Me: I fell a few weeks ago. Maybe that's it? Except it doesn't hurt right now. It quit hurting on Friday, but I don't know when it will start again and when it starts again the pain is terrible and keeps me awake at night and I swear it's causing sciatica in that leg because my butt hurts too and nothing I take, even Lortab leftover from a year ago, touches the pain and I have a work trip scheduled for Australia and I really want to go but only if my knee isn't going to be a problem.
Ortho: Oh? Well, sometimes the injections take 8 weeks to kick in.
Me: Oh. How's your crystal ball working these days?
Ortho: (Smiles) Not too well. (Rifles through papers (did you know in England they pronounce it riffle? I like that.).) Wow! Last time I scoped that knee it had extensive arthritis in all three cavities and I spent a long time in there. We could do that again, but what are your thoughts on going ahead and replacing it?

So, other than learning that I don't have a knack for writing dialog, I've learned that June 2013 will be filled with medical stuff. In one way it freaks me out because I've done it all before. In another way it's all quite matter of fact because I've done it all before.

Hmm. Maybe it's not an unrelated topic after all.

The thing I love about life is every single day/hour/minute I get to start again. Tuesday morning I did just that.

It was easy because there was no melting chocolate to deal with.

268.6: Feeling very proud of myself

As I reflect on the past few weeks, I am struck by something. It seems like the successful approach to 'beginning' again is similar to nursing myself back to health after an injury. I need to be patient, have the right tools, get plenty of rest, give myself permission to say no to a few things, and drink plenty of water!

I was sick for the first four days. Both my body and my mind needed to detox from several months of doing what felt good. During my study, I've learned the food that is calorically empty but sooo tasty is called highly palatable food. That says a mouthful (pun acknowledged), huh? HP food is addictive but not satisfying. The donut begs for a chaser of chips, the nachos scream for a soda, and the burger needs fries to be a complete 'meal.'

Here's something else I've learned: I'm not strong enough to have bridge mix or chocolate covered cinnamon bears anywhere in my house. It's that simple.

I'm so glad I'm here today instead of where I was on April 15! I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it. One day at a time.

270.4: A few slip ups, but that's life...

I've had a couple of oops moments since Friday. First of all, I bought some treats for my friend's boys who were hanging out with me on Monday evening. They didn't like the potato stix I bought--how could they not like those?

So, when my knee was acting up at midnight and I got up to ice and heat it, I ate 'em. All of 'em. 886 calories of 'em. Yup.

Oh, and instead of buying 3 chocolate covered cinnamon bears and getting that craving out of my system, I bought sugar free cinnamon bears and dipping chocolate and made some myself. Well, they were nasty. Did that stop me? Nope. I ate 'em. All of 'em. And I have dipping chocolate that now calls out to me every evening.

I was so focused on my goals last week! That focus paid off and I was successful. Even at the Stampin' Up! regional in Salt Lake I was able to eat every 2-3 hours and stay on track. This week I don't even have any goals. What? I mean I haven't written any down, and, as I've heard before "A goal not written is only a wish."

So, here are my new goals:
1) I will eat 100 calorie meals every 2-3 hours.
2) I will update my blog twice a week. How does Wednesday and Sunday sound?
3) I will track my food on fitbit.com.
4) I will do 30 minutes of addiction study each week.
5) I will say nice things to myself.

There. Consider those my ongoing goals until further notice. Do you set goals? Wanna share?

272: Finally Friday

I'm in fat burning! How do I know? Well, I'm feeling happy, energized and confident. I crave water, not soda. This is a good feeling. I like feeling lighter at the end of a day!

Something I've noticed this week is I rarely feel satisfied with my noon meal. Even if it's my Lean & Green, I want to eat something as soon as I get back to my desk. It's like I switch on the "yes, it's okay to eat" button and it gets stuck. Where's the off switch? What I'm trying now is to have another 32 oz of water and some chewing gum. A couple of times this week I've had to drink some bouillon too. Maybe lunch is stressful? Maybe the meetings and work I generally have/do after lunch are stressful? Hmmm. Perhaps I should schedule a massage every day after lunch.

Wins yesterday include regular meals, blogging, tracking my food, saying nice things and studying. Nearly perfect on my 6 goals!

One of the podcasts I listened to suggested we have a mantra that begins "I am a person who..." in relation to our goals. I like that. The reason for this is when we set weight loss related goals and work hard at them, it doesn't take long to get benefits, which then remove the urgency/tension/relevance of the goals. Interesting concept, huh? I can see that to be true for me. I was so frightened of diabetes a year ago I was motivated to begin Medifast. Within weeks I felt better, had more energy, and my glucose levels were normal. Even this time around the urgency was seeing my weight nearing 280 again, not to mention the unbearably tight-around-the-middle dress pants that I bought a size smaller in November when I was a size smaller. I love that on Medifast I see results quickly. I also see the need for reframing my goals to be toward goals instead of away from goals. Dr. A writes about that in his book, Dr. A's Habits of Health.

Here's my mantra for now: I am a person who chooses to be happy and healthy. I like that. I am choosing every day, every minute, how I feel emotionally and physically. Or as Charlie Sheen would say, "WINNING!!!"

Thursday Update

Yesterday I was emotional--sad and grumpy. And mad. And I couldn't eat to get through it.

Amend that; I chose not to eat to get through it. Instead, I cried to my friend Cathi and did a bit of shopping. Lest you think I'm perfect, I did buy some sugar free turtles and finished all six of them before I got home. And some chocolate sprinkles, the kind you put on cupcakes. And some pumpkin seeds. And my Lean & Green was a lettuce wrapped Carl's Jr. Famous Star.

So, my wins were a bit slimmer yesterday:

1) I ate my meals.
2) I blogged.
3) I went to bed before 9 (didn't sleep 'til midnight, but still...).

I will increase my wins today--and I can't wait to see what the scale has to say tomorrow. I really have been working hard this week. It hasn't been easy, but I feel like I've turned a corner and am able to focus on being happy and healthy, not just one or the other.

Wednesday Wisdom

"Mindlessness is the enemy."

Profound, huh? I did my addiction study last night from Dr. A's Habits of Health (Dr. Wayne Scott Andersen) and came across that nugget.
If I choose to eat a handful of peanuts, that's fine. Choosing means I have an internal conversation and decide eating the peanuts is worth a diet setback. If I don't realize I've polished off the last of a jar of peanuts while watching, say, The Mentalist, that's not fine. That's mindlessness.

Good lesson to learn. The peanuts were tasty, by the way. And there really weren't that many...

I had a bunch of wins yesterday:

I ate every 2-3 hours.
I tracked my food.
I studied.
I said nice things to myself.
I was in bed before 9:30.

By the way, I don't like the book I'm reading for book club. Very unsatisfying. I am listening to a sweet romance on the way to work--A Countess Below Stairs by Eva Ibbotson.

Tuesday Thoughts

I'm going to weigh myself after these first four days, so no weight to post today.

Yesterday was easier than I thought. I felt motivated and able to choose health instead of eat my stress. And my stress is high right now (at work). It's good stress--I'm busy with exciting projects as well as getting ready for the South Pacific convention in Brisbane (Australia) in May. I also have some physical stress--I tumbled down my outside stairs last week, causing some neck, shoulder and knee pain. The neck and shoulder have settled down to an occasional Aleve, but my darn knee (the non-replaced one) is not happy with me right now.  

Wins from yesterday:
1) I ate my 100 calorie meals every 2-3 hours.
2) I tracked my food.
3) I listened to 4 podcasts from Take Shape For Life.
4) I was nice to myself.

So, I didn't get to bed by 9:00, but I was in bed before 10:00. I also ate some peanuts before bed.
That's okay. My biggest hurdle yesterday was my Lean & Green evening meal. It should be 5-7 oz of protein with 2 cups of greens and a small amount of fat. I had a chef's salad at Dee's. Probably not enough lean protein and too much fat, but I took my friend Ruthie out and that seemed to be the best choice. Dee's just doesn't strike me as the type of place to request a chicken breast and broccoli. :)

Today I plan to keep it up. If I drink 94 oz of water before noon, that seems to really help. I struggle with the dreaded 3:00 snack attack, but I can time my meal then. My L&G will be totally in my control tonight.

Thanks for your comments, texts, and phone calls! Accountability makes a difference. I read in a Gretchen Rubin (happinessproject.typepad.com) article in Good Housekeeping (Jan 2013) that one of her Secrets of Adulthood is "I manage what I measure." I love that!

Update: It's 1:26 p.m. and I'm going 'grazey.' I want the Lindt chocolate on Mike Sloan's desk. Or the bag of chips on Cori's. I've had a mint and some gum. I'm now going to drink water and make some beef bouillon. Hope that helps! Oh, and I updated Gretchen Rubin's information (above). The end.

277: The Journey Begins (again)

Rock bottom? Check.

Wake up call? Check.

It's been creeping up (the weight, that is). It's been easy to rationalize - stress, busy-ness, hormones, water retention, travel, and so on and so on.

The fact is I'm eating too much.

I'm not tracking my food. I'm not blogging, which is my place of honesty.

And so I begin again. No matter what else I'm doing, my weight loss efforts are my #1 priority. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my job, and I love my life. I must be healthy in order to enjoy any of those things. 

I've decided Medifast is still the right plan for me. Here's my four day strategy:

1) I will eat 100 calories every 2-3 hours.
2) I will blog every day.
3) I will track my food on fitbit.com.
4) I will study from my bibliotherapy books for 30 minutes every day.
5) I will say nice things to myself.
6) I will go to bed early (9:00).

My Why: When I'm in control of my eating I feel confident, loving, and strong. I love the message I send myself when I choose life over the numbness of addiction.

You have no idea how powerful your support is to me!

How are you doing? What's working for you?

??? Better Attitude & Pizza

I am feeling grateful. Happy and blessed. Other than some knee pain, I am healthy. No more sinus goo. I can smell and taste food.

Food is good. I need food. I need to remember to be nicer to myself and relax.

I got a call last Friday morning. Shelli had been sick all night and wasn't going to make it to the Stampin' Up! St. Louis regional. I did some fast work and got a flight to St. Louis. It was such a fun regional--there was a Comic-con event down the hall. How often do you see aliens, Lego heads, wizards, princesses, Dr. Who look-alikes, and stampers in the same area? We fit right in! Really, the day was lovely. Being with stampers is always fun and re-energizing.

I did okay with food. Okay, in this case, is good.

I made a yummy pinterest treat today. Zucchini pizza bites. They were soooo tasty!

Here's the link:
http://www.skinnytaste.com/2010/07/zucchini-pizza-bites.html

Here's what they look like:


I hope you're having a good day and can also find something to be grateful for!

270.2: Ignorance Is Dangerous

No news is bad news when it comes to the Bonnie-on-a-weight-loss-journey blog. I tried, I really tried. For three days in March, I tried.

I have one excuse after another (traveling, illness, stress) but it boils down to this: I quit caring.

Caring takes time and energy. I feel like I am in short supply of both right now.

Last Thursday I told my niece Tamsin that I was going to work very hard for three weeks and see where I am. When I hugged her goodbye on Saturday, she wished me luck for the next three weeks and I had no idea what she was referring to. If I can't stay focused on this goal for three days, how am I going to for three weeks?

Today is day one back with Medifast. I have found in the past that I generally don't do as well when I repeat a program as I do the first time around. I think I learn how to cheat and still lose the first time around, so I start again by cheating. Then the cycle of "if I can't do it 100%, why do it at all?" comes into play.

Wow! I sound like a mess, huh? Sorry for the blog sob, I just need to vent.

I want to stop for a taco on the way home. A taco isn't bad. The problem is it will open the door to other things and I don't want to open that door.

Here's my survival plan for tonight:
1) Drink water on the way home
2) Eat 1 cup chopped chicken salad (I had 1 cup for lunch) to complete my Lean and Green.
3) Have my Medifast cookie at 8:30
4) Go to bed early.

Pray for me. And if you have any sage advice, please share!

261.0: Profound Insight?

Maybe I watch TV while I eat instead of eating while I watch TV.

Now that I can't taste anything, I find little enjoyment or relaxation in watching television.

I seriously had no idea how bored I am.

261.2: Baby Steps and a Loss

The Fitbit is great. I love seeing everyday what I'm taking in and burning. Slowly but surely I'm moving. Moving my body and attitude in a positive direction.

In other news, this is day three of a head cold that has now moved to my chest. I was sick on Thursday, but it didn't really hit 'til that night. I had Friday off, so I cancelled my tax appointment and nursed myself. Still miserable yesterday, I went to the pharmacist and got some heavy duty decongestent medicine. Now my chest is tight and I'm coughing, but the head congestion feels better.

That's nice Bonnie. What's your point? My point is I have no sense of smell. I'm fairly sure it's smell, not taste, but they're so tied together I could be wrong. Sometime yesterday it dwindled, then completely left. I don't feel like eating much, but it's very frustrating to not even be able to taste what I do eat. Yesterday I was craving chocolate. I had some M&M's and every once in a while I tried one. Nothing. Since it's moved to my chest, I thought for sure I'd be able to taste now. Nope.

I'm pondering what life would be like if I never regained it. How does someone who craves a certain food deal with not being able to taste? How many times do I eat past the point of really tasting the food?

I am gonna remember this. When I can taste again, I vow to cherish my bites. Until I take it all for granted again.   

262.4: Oddly Okay

The day after my last post I weighed 264, so I lost weight this week. I'm glad to say that! The fitbit is very motivating. I enjoy logging my food on the site. It's easy and visible. With intentional effort, I can get 5000 steps without exercise. My goal for the coming week is to get 7000 each day.

Wish me luck?

A lesson re-learned: Don't buy honey roasted peanuts, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds and almonds and expect to not eat them. Even if you put them in the freezer.

260.04: Could be Worse!

I have a day and a half of diligent tracking and clean eating under my belt. I celebrate that. Yay!

Work has begun this program where my monthly premiums will be more or less expensive based on my health and exercise. I now own a Fitbit--a fancy pedomenter that will sync with a dongle (yup, that's what it's called) on my computer and track my exercise.



It's so stinkin' cold I don't wanna exercise. Wait, I don't wanna exercise ever, so that can't be my excuse. Hmm. We'll see.

Are you staying active? What's your secret? Tell me, please, please, please!

???: Ignorance is bliss

No posts=head in the sand oblivion. I kinda quit battling the nibble beast sometime the middle of December. I didn't intend to also quit posting. That snuck up on me. Did any one else have that nasty stomach flu? I had three different rounds of it.

Still, December was holiday heaven. I hit high entertainment with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's Christmas concert, Donny and Marie's Christmas concert, and lots of family time. I was able to take some time off, so all my projects got finished! I hope you had a nice holiday also!

I promise to post my weight this week. I'm at a crossroads (again) with Medifast. I can put together one or two good days, but I crumble on the third which is when I'm supposed to achieve nirvana and fat burning. I dunno... The thing is, if not Medifast, what? I don't have any other specific plan and we all know how successful it is to just 'let things happen'. The reasons Medifast worked for me haven't changed, so I think it's as good a choice as any for now.

I'm certain accountability and honesty are key. Luckily work (Stampin' Up!) has implemented a health insurance related fitness program, so I will be in good company (pun alert!).

I'm glad you checked in and hope you are healthy and happy! I'd love to get a comment from you--they really help. Just sayin'...