#47

Where have I been? What happened to last Thursday and Sunday? Was I reluctant to post, hoping if I waited I'd have positive scale news? Did I think perhaps you'd forget my goal of 50 pounds in 50 blogs? Is it because with each post I have to face the fact that I'm not going to achieve that goal? Is it just that Christmas and Leadership (for Stampin' Up!) have taken my routine and tossed it upside down? Am I beginning this post with too many questions?

I now weigh 278.5. Hmm, when I typed that I accidentally typed 378.5, so maybe I just lost 100 pounds! Silly me. The numbers on the scale really are just numbers. This last weeks those numbers have been 274, 276, 275.5 and 277. Numbers. I would LOVE to see a 269 prior to Leadership on January 13.

On the awareness and tracking scale, I'd have to give myself a big fat (pun intended) 10. That's out of 140 for the last two weeks. I haven't been tracking my food on Weight Watchers. Want my excuse for that? In late November, Weight Watchers updated the way points are calculated, so all the regular foods that I took the time to figure out have to be re-calculated and I'm just too busy. I haven't been self praising. I'm not reading my food therapy books every day.

Don't despair--I have renewed determination. Every year between Christmas and New Year's, I read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. I won't take the time to explain the Book of Mormon more than to say it's another testimony of Jesus Christ, but if you want to research more, go to www.lds.org. Anyway, as I read it each year, I pick a theme for myself. This year's theme is Alma 38:10, "...I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things." Perfect for me, huh? I need to be diligent in recording my food, reading my books, exercising, and praising myself. I need to be temperate in my eating and my television watching. My weekly goals will reflect that.

Gentle readers (to borrow from Austen and such), I thank you for going on this journey with me. I thought it would be a 50 in 50 neatly wrapped package that could be made into a delightful movie, but it's becoming clear to me this is more like a reality show--warts and all.

#46

I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I gained. A pound and a half. I kept thinking perhaps the slight ups from the previous weeks really were water weight or hormonal weight or some other thing that could be explained away.

Am I falling apart? I hope not; I don't think so. Please indulge me as I share an analogy.

I am in labor. Not having given birth to a child, I thought labor meant the 2 hours of pushing and what-not to get the baby out. I didn't realize the hours it takes for your body to change to accommodate the actual arrival of that bundle of joy. Prior to pushing, there are hours of waiting.

I'm in the hours of waiting part. The tiring, how-much-longer-will-this-take and nothing-is-happening part. What I'm doing right now is as important as the actual delivery. I need to be patient, to give myself permission to trust my body and the weight loss process. Now is not the time to decide to bag it all, bury my head in the sand, say "This is too hard," and go home.

Now is the time to stay the course. I'm in this for the long haul, team.

Gooo Bonnie!

#45: A Calorie Saving Christmas Miracle

I must share a funny story. Sunday night I thought I was going to perish because of a massive craving for chocolate. Surprisingly, I didn't die--nor did the craving. By Monday night I couldn't fight it any more so I stopped at the store and bought a bag of Reese's miniature cups and some pumpkin seeds. I ate about 10 Reese's and 1/4 of the bag of pumpkin seeds, then tucked the plastic bag of treats, wrappers and shells next to the recliner. Tuesday night, a bit more of the same. Wednesday night I was looking forward to polishing off the two bags and couldn't wait to get home after a long work day and indulge. Well, my dear friend Anita surprised me by sending a lady to clean my house for me as a Christmas surprise. I walked in the house to a sparkling kitchen, immaculate living room, tidied up craft room, and a treat bag free television room! I searched high and low, but my treat bag must have appeared to be trash because I never found it. Hee hee! Saved by the cleaning lady.

I'm very happy with my efforts to stay away from the holiday goodies at work and I hope to have some scale success to report on Sunday!

#44

In 1975, I was a 14 year old trapped in the middle of 'What will I get for Christmas?" and "What can I give for Christmas?" Only I hadn't seen it to be a problem until well into the night of Christmas Eve when I cried to mama about my selfishness. Even then I was more upset that my brother and sisters would think poorly of me than of the missed opportunity to express my love for them with thoughtful gifts. I went to sleep one sad little teenager. At around 4:00 a.m., daddy came downstairs and woke me up to comfort me. Questionable, to try and comfort a teenager predawn, but that was my daddy! He told me about his grandmother who woke up early one Christmas morning to sell some cream in exchange for small treats to brighten her children's Christmas. After milking the cow in the freezing Idaho weather, she put the bucket in the back of a cart to take to town and sell. As she was crossing over the railroad tracks, the bucket tipped and the milk spilled into the snow. His grandmother quickly knelt down and scooped up the snow with her bare hands in order to save it to sell. Because of this, her fingers became frostbitten. That's all I know of the story. In my mind, she successfully finished her mission and arrived home to a roaring fire and rosy cheeked cherubs thrilled with her meaningful gifts. That wasn't the point of the story. Daddy wanted me to know it's not about the list of gifts I should worry about, it's the people on that list I should focus on. I learned a lesson that morning.

Every year as I struggle to find the most meaningful way to express my love to those on my list, I remind myself that honoring them is the best present I can give. In 1 Timothy 4: 14 it says, "Neglect not the gift that is in thee...." To that I add my own amen.

Oh, I lost a pound and had a 50 point week. Goooo me! I especially want to thank Lynsay's mom Donna for her lovely words of encouragement on my facebook wall.

#43

I had an amazing session last Friday morning. I had been feeling so 'jumping out of my skin' all week that I wasn't sure how I could communicate what I was feeling. As I shared with Kaleo, I stumbled on something. For some reason, I feel that even having what I consider negative emotions like jealousy, boredom, anger, loneliness, etc. is a sign of being broken. When I shared this with Kaleo I realized that I had discovered something about myself that can really help me begin to deal with my emotions. It's not that I don't know how to deal with being lonely, angry, etc., it's that I don't know how to not feel those emotions. Well, it turns out it's OKAY to feel that way! I'm not a drip or loser because I have occasional bad days. I don't have to figure out how to not feel those things, I have to figure out what to do when I feel those things.

Hmm and yay!

I gained two pounds. I feel disappointed, but I'm okay that I feel disappointed. I know I will get over that feeling and return to being able to focus on my feelings, not on my food.

#42:A Kick in the Keister, Please!

I am so discouraged. I have hit what I guess is a plateau--but I think it's an emotional one as well as a weight loss one. I want to just relax and say "Just maintain during the holidays, that will be enough," but it won't. I don't want to maintain, I want to lose. Not much. Three more pounds total 'til after Christmas. See? That's totally reasonable.

The problem is I am all over the scale these days, and by all over I mean it keeps going up-just a smidge, but up. See how I wrote that? "It keeps going up." I've removed myself from the problem. Instead of "What am I struggling with emotionally that's causing me to turn to food?", I'm apparently thinking on some level the scale is broken or stupid or it (the scale) just keeps gaining weight. That's silly! A scale is just a tool. I am seeing Kaleo tomorrow. Dollars to donuts (yum) she's going to challenge me to stop weighing myself so often. I used to weigh daily, now I weigh before each blog.

No, it's not water weight. Not PMS. I know I'm eating too much and too much of the wrong food. I can feel myself be...I don't know what it is. Stressed? Bored? I almost feel a little manic--you know what I mean? Kind of, "Ahh, who cares? I'm in charge of me and this feels good and I'm going to eat or do it!" Wow, that sounds more rebellious than manic. Who/What am I rebelling against?

Sigh.

Good news? I'm writing this while waiting to meet Cathi at Curves. She's been cleared to work out again with me (heart attack in September-scary) and I am so excited to have my work out buddy back. Cathi is a great friend and the kind of exercise buddy that is super consistent. She expects me at Curves, so I go.

I need to get my rear in gear! If you have any tips or tricks, I'm totally open. My friend Alisa went to a seminar where they learned some techniques to distract themselves when they were craving. I promise to ask her about them today at work.

#41

I am so happy with my efforts last week. I will give myself 65 points-I was 100% on tracking my food, but fell a little short in awareness. I'm giving myself credit for post-awareness, you know what I'm saying, right? For example, I ate a handful of M&M's and peanuts without even thinking, but later on I documented it and thought about what was going on that lead me to the treat bowl. I did this several times during the week.

My biggest challenge this week? Well, late Tuesday night I was invited to join some of the Stampin' Up! staff on a quick trip to Fort Lauderdale to deliver a starter kit to our 10,000 recruit of the year. It was a long plane trip-7 a.m. to 8 p.m. with less than an hour in Florida. Why was this a challenge? We were on a chartered jet enjoying food and snacks of all types. Hard to remain in control, I'll tell you. Not that I'm complaining. When will I ever get to do that again? I'm hunting for a photo to insert here.

My biggest accomplishment of the week? I didn't gain! I am thrilled with that!

I ended up driving home from Logan on Thursday and spent the rest of the weekend in various states of relaxation, productivity, and general merriment. A highlight was the last quarter of the BYU/U of U game on Saturday. I didn't really care who won, but the game was a snoozer until the 4th quarter. U of U up by one, no time on the clock, BYU with a kick on about the 18 yard line. Looks like the game's going to the Y, then the kick is blocked and the U wins by one on their home field! Fun times, I'm telling you.

#40: Thanksgiving-Feasting on Joy

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am in Logan at my sister Annette's house. My sister Loene has just arrived with her husband and her son Jerry and his family. The meal is almost ready, I can smell sugary yams above all else right now, but an hour ago the turkey scent was beckoning me. I have planned my meal carefully-I will be consuming 24 of my day's 30 points at this meal. That includes 4 oz of turkey and 1/2 cup each of stuffing, green beans, potatoes, gravy, yams, one roll, and 1/2 piece of pumpkin pie (which I don't love, so that's plenty). Can't wait!

I am thankful for so many things today. I have a loving family, great faith in my Heavenly Father, a great job, loyal friends, and a bright future. I feel so blessed. As I continue to listen to my emotions and examine my relationship with food, I feel hopeful that I will emerge a more confident woman; one who is authentic to what's best in her while embracing and seeking out areas to improve.

Just got the call to eat, so I'm out. Have a great day and take some time to thank those who touch your life daily. Speaking of which, thank you. Thank you for expecting the best from my, for honoring my attempts at honesty, for applauding my success and for encouraging me to keep on going. As my friend Alisa said last week, "Settle in for the ride, because it's a long one!"

All my love and sincere gratitude,
Bonnie

#39

Yes, I worked out Friday and Saturday. Yes, I'm very glad that I did and yes, I certainly praised myself!

Speaking of which, it was a good week of praise and awareness. I got 55 out of 70 points. It would have been higher, but I had three days without recording my food (my home computer gets a bit excited when I use Weight Watchers online--it freezes on me). Even with that, I am back at winning at the losing game. 1.5 lbs! Super excited. I'm really trying to find sincere things to praise myself for. I'm in a praise rut, isn't that funny?

I put up my Christmas decorations yesterday. I hate to leap frog Thanksgiving since it's one of my favorite holidays all year, but this weekend is a busy one and I have friends coming over on the 1st of December so I need my festiveness to be in place. I'm so silly-can't wait to put up the Christmas decorations, then can't wait to put them away. I usually take everything down no later than December 27. Growing up we un-decorated on New Year's Day. Hmm. Random train of thought. Anyway, I like to save putting my ornaments on the tree for the very last thing. I got up early this morning to a winter wonderland. I listened to Christmas music, decorated the tree, then had some eggnog. It was a fun way to start the day!

Good thing I got things done this morning-I had no power from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. Luckily I was at church or in some church meetings most of that time.

As the youngest of five children, Thanksgiving was always a mixed blessing. I remember once or twice going to Heber to my aunt's house for the big meal, but we mostly celebrated at home. Mom was a stickler for tradition, so we ate on the good china and had tons of dishes to wash! When my brother and sisters got married and began their families it was too quiet on the years they went to their in-laws, but when they all came home it was a circus of crying babies, tired toddlers, and frustrated parents. Still, even thinking of that chaos makes me nostalgic. I love my family.

I will have a 70 point week this week. I will pre-plan my Thursday food and go to Curves on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

#38

What a great week! I have the best job in the world-it gives me the chance to work with great people for great people. I wish everyone could be this happy.

Pretty decent awareness and praise so far this week. Can't wait to weigh on Sunday-I know I've lost at least a pound. Super yay!

I commit to two days of Curves prior to my Sunday post. Look at me...all committed and stuff.

So, here's a random thought. My father died during open heart surgery when I was just barely 20. As we mourned his death, my mother became obsessed with one question. Did she tell him she loved him before his surgery? She was upset that she may have missed this final opportunity. We reassured her that she had, indeed, held his hand and told him she loved him. As I reflect on this after all these years, I'm struck by something. How fabulous is it that my mother and father verbally expressed their love to each other so often that this one final time didn't stand out as anything significant to my mother. How blessed that it was routine, not a once-a-year-on-our-anniversary occurrence.

I want to be that way about self praise. Instead of having to document when I say something nice to myself, I want it to be routine. Not a once-a-day-whether-I-deserve-it-or-not occurrence.

#37

Here's my Sunday report: 50 out of a possible 70 points (see left for info). So, I did fairly well. I really tried to self praise. I fell short a couple of times and I didn't always record my food. Still, I'm feeling happy with my progress. At this point in my past dieting attempts, I would just give up and enjoy the holidays with a resolve to get back to it with the new year. Right now I feel relaxed and hopeful about being able to make this a permanent change and I'm willing to take the time to really dig in and do this right.

I met with Kaleo last Friday morning. It was a very good session. I told her I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with food. Good relationships are built on communication, trust, and honesty. A good relationship is rewarding and challenging. Well, I'm not honest with food, I don't trust myself, and I haven't been listening to what's really going on with me. Seems like it's my relationship with myself I need to work on! Food can't give me what I can't give myself. Profound, huh?

Kaleo also talked with me about how powerful our subconscious is. In one study, people agreed to have their faces professionally made up to look as if they were disfigured. These people were then asked to go out in public and report how others treated them. They reported having others avoid eye contact, treat them as inferiors, and even look at them with disgust. At the end of the reporting time, they were allowed to see themselves in the mirror. Nothing had been done. They had no disfigurement. How they saw other's treating them was entirely on a subconscious level! Amazing.

I'm looking forward to the week ahead of me. Every day is a new day to practice what I've learned.

#36: The Fat Me (an assignment)

Good morning! For today's post, I want to share an assignment from chapter 10 of Breaking Free From Emotional Eating.

Who is the fat you? What does she do? How does she feel? What does she need?

The fat me is happy, gregarious and funny. She has a great job, a darling bungalow and an amazing support group. She isn't married and hasn't dated seriously for at least nine years. She wears stylish clothing, but her priority is that it be loose and comfortable. She wears little make up. She's low maintenance. She looks in the mirror at the beginning of the day to get ready, then rarely thinks about how she looks. She uses a full length mirror occasionally, but denies intentionally avoiding it.

The fat me does pretty much the same thing every day. She wakes up around 6:30 and leaves for work around 7:15. Some mornings she works out at Curves. She arrives home between 6:30 and 7:00, then eats dinner while watching television. Some week nights she attends church functions or tends her best friend's little boys. She values her alone time, but is usually up for an impromptu party. Most weekends the fat me combines a mixture of housework (very little), watching television, stamping, tending the boys, or hanging out with her family or friends. She loves to read and watch movies at home. She enjoys cooking sometimes. She loves to go for walks, but doesn't do it much because her knees hurt.

When the fat me travels (which she's done a lot of lately), she takes a seat belt extender. She has to psyche herself up with each new flight because she doesn't know if the plane's seat belt will fit. She never uses the tray table because it won't go all the way down and she doesn't want to call attention to that. She tries to be invisible so the passenger next to her doesn't feel squished and anytime she has an empty seat between her and the other passengers on her row she thanks the universe.

The fat me tries to avoid feeling. She uses food to keep herself on an even keel, feeling like she might not have the energy, skills or desire to deal with her emotions. She doesn't realize how frequently she thinks poorly of herself and how infrequently she feels proud of herself. She is trying, though.

The fat me doesn't have too many needs because wanting what she doesn't have scares her or she doesn't feel she deserves more than what she has. She has been raised to be content with whatever she's been given. Basically, she needs a mixture of alone time and time with family and friends. She needs enough money to not worry about it all the time. She needs good medical care and the financial means to take care of herself. She needs a husband, but doesn't admit that to herself.

There you go. I'm happy to have finished this assignment and now I'm going to give myself some praise for doing so!

#35: A Day in My Life

Hi! For this week's Sunday blog (which I'm posting on Tuesday) I'm going to chronicle my day from a food and emotions perspective.

6:19: Woke up at and thought maybe I'd go work out at Curves. I quickly got over that crazy notion and decided instead to head to work as early as possible. After all, I've been gone for two work days, so there's much to do. Even though I worked on email yesterday, I feel rather buried.

6:20 Weighed myself. Decided ahead of time that 275 will be acceptable after all the road food I've eaten. See 275. Feel okay, but still disappointed.

6:25: Showered and decided to weigh myself again. 277. Going with the earlier weight. Dressed, put make up on. Wanted some chocolate, but realized all my Halloween candy is gone. Relieved. Must get out of vacation mode and return to awareness. Decide to only eat hunger today and to blog the experience during the day.

7:15: Fried my egg and polenta, packed two snacks, then headed for the door. Learned a lesson. If a person has decided to lock the deadbolt and forgets to unlock it when she tugs on the door, no matter how hard she pulls, the door won't open. Instead her eggs and polenta will land on the floor (which is clean because she earlier spilled two different mugs of soup and has already cleaned up twice). Briefly consider stopping at MickeyDees for an egg mcmuffin and diet coke. Overcome the urge. Note: eggs and polenta are still good when scraped up off the floor, but positive self praise is somewhat difficult to muster.

7:20: Pulled out, then remembered I'd forgotten to take my pills. Oops. Stopped the car and took care of that.

7:29: Approach the freeway and think about all I have to do. All of a sudden I think perhaps I should work from home. If I go in, I will be barraged by what other people think is important. If I stay home, I can do what I feel is important. I feel selfish, but decide to return home and work.
9:15: After an hour of emailing, decide I'm cold. Turn up the heat, nuke some water for FF/SF hot chocolate. In my mind, think if it's Fat Free and Sugar Free, what's the point? Decide to have some anyway. Not hungry. I feel...worried? Overwhelmed? No... I feel guilty about being home. Hmm. On my cubicle wall I have a sign, "If you're going to do it, don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it, don't do it." So, I need to get over it. I decided to stay home and that's the way it is.

9:48: Not hungry, but anxious. Want to eat. Finished the hot chocolate. Will eat a 10:00 snack in 12 minutes.

10:30: Ate 2 tablespoons of peanut butter with celery and 1 tsp of semi-sweet chocolate chips. Wasn't hungry, but trying to keep blood sugar levels steady. At least I think that's why the diet gurus say to eat every 2-3 hours. Beginning to wonder if my overall feeling of anxiety is that they'll discover at work that I'm not all that necessary. Now that's just silly, isn't it? Still, on some level I feel that. So, good job Bonnie on trying to be honest. Oh, and good job only eating 2 tablespoons of peanut butter when you wanted more, and for being aware of what and when you're eating. Now get back to work!

11:23: Really want to eat. Not hungry. Won't eat. Will drink H2O. Not the same, but good choice, Bonnie.

11:35: I caved and ate pine nuts. The good news is they are relatively low in calories. So, not perfect as far as not eating, but at least it wasn't junk food! Now I can't stop thinking about lunch. I usually have an eating meeting and know where I'm eating which also means I know what I'm eating (good job, Bonnie, on planning ahead when dining out). Today it's just me. I really need to concentrate on the meeting I'm 'attending' via phone, but I want to plan my lunch..

12:45: Meeting's over. After lunch, I must spend at least one hour reading my book for Leadership. That's the main reason I stayed home. I can't believe how much time gets eaten up by just responding to email! I also have about 6 cards I've been trying to get sent out to Fall regional demos. Arghh.

1:25: Lunch was delish! I had a cup of squash that I roasted last night-a mixture of banana squash and a new one I tried call Fairy Tale. Both were very good. I also made a simple chicken quesadilla. Decided to give myself an hour lunch and watched some television while I ate.

5:10: Fell asleep. Now I have hours of reading to do and not hours of time left in the day (hair cut at 6:45). Mad at myself. Slept through a planned call with Brian at work. Pathetic. The only good thing is at least I didn't eat during my nap. Okay, perhaps that's harsh. I didn't intentionally fall asleep, did I? Possibly I'll be even more efficient as I read now because of the break. Right, I'm off to read 'til the hair cut.

5:25: Change of plan. Called Brian and went over a few things. Now on to reading. Have forgiven myself for napping. Good job forgiving yourself, Bonnie! (See how tiring the whole praise thing is? I don't even realize how many times I'm 'down' on myself until I have to document the times I praise myself.)

7:56: Read, got my hair cut, stopped and bought some sweet potato fries and caprese salad from Au Naturale for dinner. Yum! Will commence eating.

9:30: Plan to finish off a small bag of Corn Nuts (random left over car trip food) and some chocolate chips, then turn in.

Overall, a pretty clean food day. Thanks for tuning in!

#34

It's Saturday morning and I'm in Flagstaff, Arizona. This time it's not a work trip. I'm driving a U-Haul to Benson (outside of Tucson) with my nephew Tom. Tamsin moved there and wasn't able to get all her belongings into the first moving truck. Her house sold, so we put together a quick road trip. Left SLC at 8 a.m. yesterday and arrived in Flagstaff around 6 p.m. last night. We're going to meet others of the Bryner clan in Phoenix at 10 for a different nephew's graduation.

So, all is going well with tracking and praising. Okay, I didn't praise myself too much yesterday-for no reason, I just forgot-but I promise to do it today!

#33: Re-prioritizing

When I met with Kaleo on Friday, I kind of wondered what we'd talk about. After all, I'm progressing beautifully. Summary: I've read three of the five books she recommended, I pay attention to why I'm eating, I've uncovered some hard truths I've been avoiding, and I'm losing weight. Don't I sound like an advanced client?

So I began by telling her about my weight loss the week before even with a weekend of travel and not feeling well. I also told her I'd taken a veggie tray to work the day before to help me avoid the office treats, but I was disappointed because I ate so many veggies even though I wasn't hungry. After all, the addiction doesn't distinguish between carrots and chocolate, right? It doesn't matter what I eat if I'm eating emotion instead of food.

Turns out I'm seriously wrong. Kaleo was genuinely disturbed by my frustration with myself. She firmly told me that eating carrots and only 5 mini candy bars is worth celebrating, not haranguing myself. Hmmm. Go figure. She asked me if I've been self-praising. Um, no. Even when I pre-planned my travel meals and stuck to my plan. Even when I passed on treats and avoided snacking in my hotel room. Even when I avoided fast food after a stressful weekend. Geesh, what does it take for me to be impressed with my efforts?

I am re-prioritizing (I don't think that's a real word, but it works!). You'll notice my weight loss has moved down on my list to the left. Instead, every week I'm going to document the number of days I tracked my food and the number of days I praised myself at least 10 times. So, back to NSV's (Non-scale victories). Of course, I'll also weigh every week, but my goal is to use the scale as one of many performance indicators instead of the only one.

Today at church I sat behind one of my favorite cute families. At one point, both the mom and dad complimented the older toddler on his coloring skills. It made me smile. That's what I need to do for myself, with just as much sincerity and love.

Good job, Bonnie! I'm so proud of you for being aware of what you eat and trying to eat healthy foods. Even thought it's Halloween, you really tried to make good choices. You weren't perfect, but you are working soo hard.

My dear friends, it means the world to me that you take the time to read my blog and follow my journey. Your kind thoughts, comments, emails, phone calls and facebook posts lift me and help me stay motivated and focused. If that's all it takes, I'd be set. Turns out I need to be my own head cheerleader! I challenge you to do the same. What are you doing right? Did you work out even though you didn't want to-even for only 10 minutes? Did you eat 2 brownies instead of the whole pan? Did you take the time to say something kind to someone else? Praise yourself!

Good job gang! We are amazing! Oh, and by the way, I gained 4.5 pounds. I'll lose it soon.

#32

I don't aspire to be thin; I desire to control my food addiction.

Really, I can't imagine myself a size 2, 4, 6, or 8. I've been given a fairly large personality and don't know if it will fit in a smaller body.

I'm aiming first for under 200. After that I'll see.

I want to embrace all the emotions of a full life, not cocoon myself against pain.

I want to live my best life now.

#31

I didn't post on Thursday because I forgot. I forgot because I was sick. I think I was sick because I'm trying to face some tough truths. Of course, the three weekends of travel in a row could have contributed to that. Anyway, I didn't post.

I lost three pounds this week. I am very glad about that, but I didn't do a happy dance (okay, maybe a little one) because I don't feel like I was much in control. I am thrilled to be under 270. I would love to never see that decade of numbers again! Hopefully that will be the case.

So, tough truths:
1) I sometimes feel worthless and if people really could see me, they'd realize what a fraud I am.
2) Food doesn't always give me what I need, but it's the most reliable relationship I've had in years.
3) Being fat protects me from facing my other weaknesses. It's easier to blame all my failings on one big thing (pun intended) than to face the multitude of other things I need to improve.
4) I have a lot to learn and many challenges to conquer to overcome this.

Onward and upward! I'm tired, but even tired people can fight the battle of the bulge.

#30

I lost a pound. I mean, I lost a pound! That's kind of how I feel. I am happy. Really.

I did a very bad thing a couple of weeks ago prior to the merry go 'round of travel I've been riding recently. I plotted out my weight loss and where I should be at certain times in order to hit my goal of 50 pounds by Feb 17, 2011. Turns out I'm now behind. So instead of celebrating my hard earned one pound weight loss, I am bemoaning the fact that I'll never make my goal. I was secretly hoping to surpass it. Silly me! When will I learn to take things one day at a time?

I did spend some flying time looking at my relationship with food. It's been interesting to sort out my feelings. I am not delving too deep right now-I didn't feel like breaking into little pieces in an airport and part of me feels like that's what will happen if and when I finally fully confront this. The Shrink Yourself book would say I'm catastrophizing things. Spell check says that's not a word. Should be.

Question of the day: Should I make an appointment to fall apart or just let it happen?

#28 & #29: Back on track and on the road again

I'm cheating a smidge here because I forgot to post my brief but timely entry from Monday. So, I'm just adding my Thursday post to the Monday one (which is really last Sunday's post). Lost anyone? If you even still care, read on!

Monday's post:
Hi all y'all! Columbia was sooo wonderful! The demonstrators from that area are so gracious and were truly lovely. We stayed in a great hotel and kind of had a low key weekend-much needed for my body and soul. The only downside is I didn't get to see my sweet niece Jennie who is raising her family in that area.

I lost 5.5 of the 6 pounds I gained last week! I am so glad. I worked very hard at it and believe me, I totally wanted to turn to food several times.

Another trip this weekend-St. John's Newfoundland. More later!

Thursday's post:
It's bright and early, but I want to post before I fly out. It's going to be a long travel day-8:45 a.m. to midnight. I'm taking snacks and think I'll have time for dinner in the Toronto airport, so I should be good.

So, my therapy session last Monday was intense. I felt almost ill going in to see Kaleo, but I really feel an urgency to make good use of my time with her so I pushed through. I feel hopeful and frightened at the same time. I think I'm afraid to put myself out there on the dating scene. Food hasn't met all my needs, but it's been pretty reliable. Being overweight has insulated me from taking risks and possibly being hurt again (a series of failed romances during college and just after). It sounds so melodramatic as I type this. I realize the failed relationships from my late 20's are part of my history and that I have since gained a lifetime of experience and skills that will help me face the positives and negatives of relationships. I just get tired even thinking about it. Kaleo told me I don't have to focus on that too much right now, so I'm just putting it on the table and looking at it every once in a while.

I guess I'll have plenty of plane time to process this mess.

My sweet niece Tamsin and my grand niece Emma left Salt Lake yesterday to move to Arizona. I'm going to miss having them so close. Big hole.

I want a donut-the chocolate ones at the gas station. Or chips. Maybe both.

#27

Today I'm off to Columbia South Carolina. To my knowledge, I've never been to SC, so I'm looking forward to it. It's just hard to be on the road so much. Now I know how my team feels (okay, not really because after next week this is three weekends in a row and some of them have done five).

I've pre-planned my meals for this weekend. Breakfast is two eggs, two pieces of bacon and 1/2 cup hash browns. Lunch is 4 ounces of turkey, 1 slice cheese, mayo, potato chips and 5 points of chocolate. Dinner is 4 ounces of chicken breast, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes, and salad. We'll see how it goes. I won't be eating in the same place every day, but I figure I can mix and match if needed while keeping an eye on my overall Weight Watcher points. If this works, I'll repeat the procedure next weekend.

Smiles! Send positive messages to the universe for me, okay?

#26: A Reality Check?

I gained 6 pounds. I know some of that is flight related, but 6 pounds? No. Fact is, I mostly didn't pay attention. I had nibbles of chocolate, dessert, rich soups, candy bars, and chips. I don't know if it was necessarily addiction compelling me or if I just got lazy. Since I don't think it was addictive behavior, I bet it was. If I take the time to dig deeply, I will see that I was soothing myself or somehow using food to escape my emotions.

So, let me dig, okay? (If you haven't already figured it out, I'm an extrovert and really have to voice things out loud to see about their truth-and writing has always helped me be more 'real' with things.) What emotions was I dealing with? Anxiety over not being super familiar with the show and my role, sadness about a work situation, fatigue (is that an emotion?) from not sleeping well and being on east coast time, pain in the dang knees, and more stuff I probably am not aware of.

I've spent all day today digging into the past 22 years of my life to identify my pain points. Just doing this is a pain point! A very big blessing is I've been a prolific journal writer, so I have much to refer to. A big obstacle is I only have my point of view to go on, so my experiences are already biased for or against me depending on my self love at the time. Interesting!

Well, I'm not giving up. Therapy next Monday morning should be interesting. Meanwhile, I'm not going down without a fight with the scale. I mean it, I need to make this happen no matter how many weeks I spend on the same 5-8 pounds. Not giving up! Hear that, universe?

#25

I'm off to Baltimore in an hour. I am so excited! Since the regionals have begun, I don't see Shannon, Carrie and Donna as much as I'd like. Now I get to hang with them for an entire weekend. How fun is that? The only downside is I'm filling in for Shelli-and demonstrators are always disappointed when Shelli's not there. She is such an amazing woman and a regional seminar is usually an opportunity to be able to meet her in a fairly small setting. I'll do my best!

I had my fourth therapy session on Tuesday. Talk about intense! Lots of ghosts from the past that need to be dealt with. I'm worried the emotions being brought to the surface might be too overwhelming and I'll turn to food for comfort again. I suppose even being worried about that, being aware of it, is a good thing. I really, really don't want to move backwards in my weight loss, but in order to move ahead I have to deal with some pretty painful things. The easy way out is to just focus on losing weight (I can't believe I even feel that way-losing weight is anything but easy). You know what I mean, though. Dealing with what has brought me to food as my drug of choice is a daunting process.

Well, enough of that. Off to the airport!

#24: 20 Pound Milestone!

Yay, yay, yay! I did a happy dance this morning when I stepped off the scale. I can't read the scale while I'm standing on it because of my stomach-pathetic, but true. I have to get off and quickly look while the number's still visible. Some mornings it's quite humorous because without my contacts I nearly have to touch my nose to the scale to read my weight. Hey! Does that count as exercise? Anyway, I finally reached my 20 pound goal.

Next goal? Break out of the 270's. I call it reaching a different decade of numbers.

I'm on track to hit 50 pounds off by Feb 17th, my 50th birthday. The holidays will of course pose an interesting challenge, but tonight I'm feeling invincible. Eye of the tiger. I can do this. Yay!

mmmm,,,m,,, (That was me cleaning off my 'm' key-too tired to delete and it will make me laugh when I read this again.)

Must sleep now.

#23

Wow! The week snuck up on me. I took Tuesday off and did nothing but work out, nap, shop, and meet some friends for dinner. It was a lovely recuperation day. I had a terrible headache that night-I think just plain old fatigue. Silly me!

I've had three great food days in a row. It feels so good to feel in control-at least of what goes in my mouth. I never take that feeling for granted. Seems like one day it's easy and the next three it's hard. I LOVE feeling my loose pants and being able to go up and down stairs without thinking about my knees, but when I see photos from Founder's Circle, I realize how far I have to go-and that is very discouraging.

In 2007 when I last kept track of weight loss efforts, I weighed 271. I remember seeing the 270's for the first time and gasping in shock. For some reason that was more real than the 260's. Well, I still managed to gain 20 pounds in the three years between then and 2010.

I am scared I will give up. Even though things are going well; even though I am making good decisions, it's easier to just drift into weight gain than to battle this demon every time I turn around.

I think I'm just tired. Press on!

#22

I missed my Thursday and Sunday blogs because I was still at Founder's Circle in St. George. Founder's is a fabulous event for the top Stampin' Up! demonstrators, and I get to go as part of my job. It's always an amazing event and a privilege to be able to mingle with these women. My new team, Special Events, is in charge of making the magic happen. What magic? Fun pillow gifts every night, a beautiful room called the Gathering Place to hang out in during the day, amazing events and treats galore. Every day we featured a hand dipped chocolate and a yummy baked goodie.

The Fabulous Founder's Staff

So, how did I fare with my diet? I'm pleased to report very well. I lost the 3 pounds I found last week, so I'm back to a total of 18 so far. I'm so glad. It honestly wasn't that hard to stay away from the chocolate and baked goods. We were working hard, laughing much, and very very busy. It was a blessing and I feel like I'm back on track. When I look at my past, I see times like this stop any forward progress. That can't happen this time!

#21: NOT a 20 Pound Milestone.

I gained weight-3 pounds- and insight this week. This is the first week I've gained since I began on July 5. Did I think I would decide to lose weight and not have any set backs or challenges? No. I realize this is an opportunity to learn and move forward, but I'm still upset and disappointed in myself.

What happened? I can trace the gain to three things. First of all, I didn't track my points very well this week. It was a busy and stressful week and I fell into the trap of skipping that very important step. Second, I only worked out one day. Cathi is out of Curves until the beginning of November and I began the week feeling a little under the weather, so I just flat out skipped my workouts. Third, I ate beyond full at several meals. Waiting to eat until I'm hungry hasn't been that hard (I'm surprised at this, but I actually like knowing I'm hungry so it's worth waiting for that feeling). What has been difficult is once I begin eating I have a hard time eating only 'til I'm comfortably full. To be candid, I don't even notice the change from hungry to full. Here's an example: Last Thursday I ate lunch with my friend Cori. We had some business things to discuss and I was feeling a bit stressed. I ordered the same meal I ate half of the week before (stopping at half a burger and only 6 fries-yes, I counted), but this week I ate all the burger and most of the fries. Back at the office, I actually became ill with a soon-to-be migraine and had to go home early. I know it was a combination of the stress and overeating that caused the migraine, but at the time of the meal, I didn't really feel too full. Instead of learning from this experience, I repeated overeating at least twice more on Friday and Saturday.

This is hard to admit, but I also intentionally ate gluten this weekend. I was at a creative conference in the area and gave in to my eating addiction. I ate some of a molasses cookie, an entire eclair, some peanut butter filled pretzels, a roll, a bread stick, some breaded chicken, a croissant sandwich, a ham sandwich, and some of a sugar cookie. I didn't get sick really, but I know I will feel achy and tired for a week now. I'm also much more susceptible to colds and such-I've compromised my autoimmune system.

On a bright note, I did work out on Saturday morning. I also committed to getting in 21 workouts prior to Cathi's return with me in November. I told the Curves owner about it, and she's the kind who will keep me honest about it. I am also going to record my workouts on this blog, so maybe y'all can keep me on it too!

Another victory: I was tempted to severely restrict my food yesterday in a desperate attempt to at least not gain weight this week (yes, I weighed myself and knew I was in for a gain), but that wasn't a smart choice physically or emotionally. Instead, I tried to pay attention to why and what I was eating. I still overate, but I felt more in control. Is that as weird as it sounds?

So, thanks for tuning in for this episode of The Scale of Truth. I hope my mid-week post is more joyous.

#20

I feel sad and heavy today. No reason why. Nothing to be alarmed about, just telling it like I feel it.

Sigh.

#19

This blog entry is being done on Monday because yesterday I was just plain sick. Feverish, congested, and nauseous. Pretty, huh?

Good weight loss week-2 pounds! I was so excited when I weighed-then I realized I had counted wrong and it was 18 pounds total, not 20 like I thought. Still, a very big yay for me! I was able to stick with it through a sister party and a Sunday of not feeling well.

Friday was a day off and a day with lots of open time. I had a hard time eating hunger that day-mostly I had a hard time reaching hunger. On my way to club, I stopped to pick up a CFDC for Cathi and saw something irresistible-Lay's Balsamic Vinegar and Sweet Onion potato chips! Oh my gosh, they were so good. I didn't even really try to be strong even though I wasn't hungry. Not proud of that, but I am proud that I just moved on after the package was gone. That night, I wasn't hungry yet, but my sister had fixed a spaghetti dinner for us, so I joined. At least I was able to only eat one portion.

I finished Shrink Yourself and am now reading Geneen Roth's Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. I like it a lot, but kind of miss the more concrete 'how to's' from Shrink.

#18

I am feeling so strong and focused! I'm not saying things are all perfect-as a matter of fact I've had two evenings in a row of overeating. Still, I can do this. One day at a time. One meal at a time. One bite at a time.

I met with Kaleo, my eating addiction recovery therapist, on Tuesday. She challenged me to stop eating at specific times and to eat only when I'm hungry (she compared eating at scheduled times to forcing yourself to go to the bathroom at scheduled times-ridiculous! You go to the bathroom when you need to go to the bathroom...). It's tough! I keep worrying that I'm not going to get hungry. I always eat breakfast at 6:45, have a 10:00 snack, eat lunch at noon, a 3:00 snack, then dinner at 6:30. Now I don't eat 'breakfast' until I'm hungry-the past two days that has been 11:45 a.m., so of course, I'm not hungry at noon. I have regular eating meetings for lunch, so the last two days I just go and drink something and taste a bit of lunch. Kaleo says I can taste without eating. Interesting, huh? I think by the time I get home for dinner I'm convinced I'm starving--although I'm really not. I will really have to focus on what's happening at night. Am I bored? Lonely? Do I feel like I 'deserve' a nice meal since I've worked hard and have been good all day? Points wise, I eat my full Weight Watchers points each day-over half of them at night. I don't like that much. So, still a work in progress!

The other thing Kaleo told me to do is praise myself for good choices. So last night when I wanted to eat a third gluten free brownie from the freezer and put it back, I said, "Good job Bonnie!" It felt silly, but it also felt kind of good.

I MUST work out at Curves today and Saturday. Cathi can't go with me for a month, so I'm on my own. Please send me will power and happy thoughts, okay? It felt so good on Tuesday to get a work out in. I know how much better I operate when I've released some energy at the gym. Okay, I've convinced myself. I'm out of here and on my way to Curves.

#17: 15 Pound Milestone

Yay! I passed my 15 pound loss and am well on my way to 20 pounds. When I reach 25, I plan to buy myself a fabulous Rachael Ray cooking knife or pot. I'll decide when I get closer--hopefully the middle of October!

Another morning of private hilarity. Yesterday my niece Katie (love you Katie!) offered to loan me Mockingjay, the third book in the Hunger Games series. All week I had been planning to buy the book and decided I'd wait 'til I'd hit my milestone. I gladly accepted the loan, but stuck to my vow to not begin reading until I had weighed and reached my goal. I don't weigh until Sunday mornings, so I had to sleep with the book on my night stand. If you haven't read the series, you might not understand this, but the book called out to me in my sleep and I finally woke up at 3:30 a.m., weighed myself and began to read. For reals! (I fell asleep again around 5:30 a.m. and had odd dreams of Stampin' Up! being reorganized into districts and the employees being called to an assembly where Shelli (the owner) spoke to us dressed like Katniss from the book! Bizarro land, I know.)

Here's my favorite thought from Shrink Yourself: "...you run to food for refuge, then criticize yourself for overeating and end up focusing on what you've just consumed rather than the ... hurt feelings. It's easier to live with a self you've deemed temporarily lacking in self-control than with a permanently stupid or ugly self that no one wants to spend time with." For years as a school counselor I worked with students who had done their homework diligently only to 'lose' it when it was due. Their parents were frustrated about this lack of organization and would come to me hoping I could hook them up with some amazing Trapper Keeper that would prevent this from happening again. I began to wonder if these kids preferred to be seen as lazy and unprepared rather than being proven to be stupid if they handed in their attempts to do the work correctly. I've been saying for years sometimes I act like an eighth grader, here's the proof! In all seriousness, this really struck a chord in me. I haven't put myself out there (the dating scene) for years--using my weight as an excuse. Better to be rejected for being fat instead of the real essence of Bonnie. Hmm. What else have I been putting on the shelf out of self doubt?

Enlightenment is empowering, but brings responsibility.

Thanks for tuning in! While things have been consistently going well, every week, every day, every hour is a struggle to overcome this addiction.

#16

So, my Thursday morning post is happening Friday night. That fits my week. I've been a day behind all week long. By the end of the day on Monday, I felt like I'd had at least three days of the week under my belt. Lots of changes at work, some health trauma with my friend Cathi, and a monthly visit from mother nature. Thank you very much, life! Ah well. Bring it on.

I have actually felt pretty darn good about my eating. I'm not saying I didn't medicate with food once or twice, but I feel like I've been aware of what I'm eating and why---until today. This afternoon I succumbed to couch time with veggie chips and ginger snap cookies. I knew while I was munching I wasn't making the right choice. Still, I kept at it until both bags were empty. Not good. I think I was rewarding myself for functioning fairly well during a high stress week. Did I undo all the good I did earlier in the week? Perhaps as far as the scale goes. We'll see on Sunday!

All my books have arrived. Still working through Shrink Yourself. I like the premise and the writing's pretty accessible, but the case studies are kind of predictable and not too enlightening so far.

#15

I had really hoped to hit a 15 pound milestone with blog #15, but fell short. I lost .5 this week. Still, I am content with my progress towards this goal and I admit I didn't make the choices to achieve more spectacular results. Two cases in point: 1) I carefully planned my treats for the Friday swim and stamp fest, but when the Ranch flavored Doritos appeared, I gobbled; and 2)Yesterday I went to Despicable Me (such a cute show!) with Tamsin and Emma. We got there early, so we went to Wendy's and I got a kids' meal/happy meal. Without the bun and eating half the fries and Frosty, it was a respectable 8 Weight Watcher points, so not too bad. What did derail me was the movie popcorn--with butter. I knew I was eating too much of it (basically, any was too much because I certainly wasn't hungry) but I just kept at it. Argh.

My books still haven't arrived, but I also reserved some at the library on the off chance those would beat Amazon. I was thrilled that Shrink Yourself was available, so I've begun it. The basic premise is people who react to difficult situations by eating really feel powerless to deal with stress, depression, sadness, etc. in any other way. So Gould (the author) is going to show me how to regain power without using food. Interesting so far.

Anita, Richard and the boys are coming over for Anita's birthday dinner. We're having BBQ chicken salad, homemade ginger ale (Donna's recipe), gazpacho, grilled corn and avocado salsa, fruit, and of course cake and ice cream. Should be fun!

Thanks so much for your support and interest. My brother asked me the other day what was working this time-and I told him about blogging and about you-my friends and family who have allowed me to be honest and to whom I feel accountable. I am truly blessed.

#14

It's Friday! Thursday completely flew by without a chance to post.

I met with Kaleo, an LCSW, on Tuesday. I had hoped to meet with someone who was knowledgeable, approachable, and experienced in dealing with eating addictions. Kaleo is all that! I am so blessed. She has a passion for this topic and has conquered her own battle with eating addictions. Since it was the first visit, it was predictably about my past experiences with food, my attempts at weight loss, my current attitude about dieting, and why I am so ready to tackle this. She assigned me to get five books to begin this journey (she's an avid bibliotherapy proponent). I promptly ordered them all from Amazon and can't wait for them to arrive! Here are the titles:
Life is Hard, Food is Easy (Spangle)
Shrink Yourself (Gould)
Breaking Free From Emotional Eating (Roth)
Women, Food, God (Roth)
Normal Eating for Normal Weight (?)

One interesting assignment Kaleo gave me was to wake up one morning and not eat until I was truly stomach-growling, head-aching, food-needing hungry. The purpose of this was to pay attention to my body and recognize true hunger, then to feed the hunger, not the emotion. I couldn't believe that I wasn't hungry until about 11:45 a.m. on Wednesday! I took an energy bar with me to each meeting just in case the hunger appeared suddenly. CAUTION: This is NOT a recommended weight loss plan-it's an exercise in paying attention to your body-that's it. Don't skip breakfast. I mean it!

I have so much to learn. I can only work short term with Kaleo, so I'm dedicated to maximizing this experience.

In other news, today's my day off and I'm doing three of my favorite things; swimming, stamping and hanging out with friends. Doesn't get better than this!

I need to be food vigilant...powers of Bonnie and weight loss unite! Vvvvvh!

50 in 50# 13

If you had been in my bedroom this morning, you would have seen the following: Bonnie approaches scale reciting, "Please, please, please be under 280," followed by an exhale, a step on the scale, counting to five, looking at the number, then screaming, "Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!" The number was 279! I am so excited to see the last of the 280's.

I pulled it together yesterday. The week hadn't been stellar, and I really needed to have an eagle eye focus. After a great water aerobic workout with Cathi in the morning, I spent the day updating my craft room. I switched my SU ink pads and paper so they're in the new collections and put together a pile of old products to take to some of my friends for charitable organizations. All of this was to get ready for a workshop last night. The workshop was fun and a great way to end the day. I got home at 10:20 and almost snacked, but told myself to just go to bed.

Tuesday is the counselor day. I'll report on Thursday!

50 in 50 #12

Wow! The week's gone fairly well. I skipped my workout this morning, but plan to make it up with some bike time tonight. I've felt a bit slippery in my efforts this week. I wish I could put it in more specific terms, but slippery feels like a good description. I think it began with travelling home on Sunday. I usually use Sunday as a time to plan the whole week. This week I've felt less like I'm in charge of my life and more like it's in charge of me! I've been dipping into my extra weekly Weight Watchers points more than in the past weeks. I feel nibbly. Guess I'll see what the scale brings. I'm really hoping to get under 280 (pathetic to set my sights for happiness on a 279 number, isn't it?).

I made gazpacho last night-so yummy! When I can, I'll add the recipe to this post.

50 in 50 #10

I'm posting this on Wednesday instead of Thursday because I'll be in Colorado on a brief vacation with my Bryner family (my sister Annette's family) in Durango from Thursday to Sunday. I am looking forward to some baby holding, book reading, game playing and loud laughing. This is the family I spend Christmas with. As Annette's kids have grown up and married, I treasure my time with them even more. My sister Linnea was always the favorite aunt when they were younger (with good reason, she was generous with her time and money and made them a priority) and I know if she were still alive she would take advantage of being with them. I love watching them relate to one another as adults; I love watching them be parents and spouses. They are remarkable people.

So, I'm prepared. I've stocked 3 point snacks in baggies so I can keep track of my car food and stay on track. I really don't know what else to do. I can't plan ahead because I don't know what we'll be eating. I will make sure to fill up on veggies when possible. Other than that, it's going to be mental. I can enjoy myself without junk food, can't I? Maybe I should always offer to hold the baby during meals so I can pace myself to eat slowly. Hmm. Food for thought (pun intended).

My friend Sam's comments on my last post have given me another tool for success during this little vacation. I'm going to keep a list of my NSV's (non-scale victories) and post them in my next post. I hope to have 20 NSV's to report!

My next post will be Monday morning so I can update my weight (I won't be home 'til late Sunday and don't want to weigh Sunday night--hellooo!).

Thanks for caring! I really appreciate your comments and support.

50 in 50 #11: 10 Pound Milestone

Yay, I hit my milestone!

I typed that sentence last Wednesday as an encouragement to me, and I'm really happy to not have to delete it.

I was about 80/20 with control vs. throw caution to the wind. Maybe closer to 60/40 by the end of the week. Clark and Lyndsay brought some chocolate back from Europe, so I did enjoy some of that. German chocolate doesn't have as many calories, right? Oh, and Tamsin made some really yummy gluten-free birthday cake for Emma's celebration, so I had a large piece of cake and some ice cream. Otherwise, I just tried to keep my portions in control and stick to my pre-planned treats.

Here's the list of my NSV's (non-scale victories):
1. Side salad instead of fries for lunch
2. No mexi-fries (tater tots) for dinner
3. Very little caffeine
4. Worked out at Curves before we left on Wednesday
5. Used my pre-packed snacks
6. Ate grapes at Mesa Verde instead of filling up on other snacks
7. Recorded my food
8. Stood on a train for 4 hours
9. Drank lots of water
10. Read my Diane (Curves founder) magazine
11. On the way home, only ate 15 potato chips when I really wanted the whole bag

Here's a brief trip summary (non-food): Wednesday we drove to Monticello Utah and stayed there for the night. Emma (my 3 year old grand niece), kept calling our hotel a hotelo since we were in Monticello. Pretty hysterical, huh? Thursday we met up with three of the Arizona-ites at Mesa Verde. Loved it! That night we finally joined with the rest of the family and found our great cabin/house just outside of Durango. Friday my sister, brother-in-law and I rode the train on a narrow gauge railroad from Durango to Silverton. Beautiful! We stood in the open air gondola most of the time. Saturday was a slice of heaven. Lazy morning, brief jaunt to historic Durango, then back to the house for a lazy afternoon and Emma's birthday celebration. Sunday was all about traveling home.

50 in 50 #9

I lost 1.5 pounds. Okay. I'm kind of bugged because earlier in the week I'd shown a greater weight loss and really thought I'd hit my 10 pound mark. But today, no. I've got to limit weighing to just Sundays in order to avoid this kind of emotional roller coaster. 1.5 pounds is exactly what I should be aiming for. Have I convinced you that I've convinced myself of that? Sigh.

50 in 50 #8

It's been a tough week. It's hard to go back to work after an event like convention. I call it 'convention hangover.' No matter how much time I take off to recuperate, actually going back I'm in a mental fog. So much to process, then time to switch gears.

Tuesday night I grazed. I carefully planned my food for the day, including dinner with Cathi at The Dodo, a local restaurant that has been around for years. We each had a cup of gazpacho, then split the fillet Mignon dinner. I had budgeted calories (4 oz of fillet is a ton of points!) and we really felt satisfied. Cathi stayed to do some projects for her church youth group, then went home. Well, you'd have thought I'd gone for hours without eating. I began with a garden tomato with some cottage cheese, then moved to popcorn with some butter spray. Not too bad, but I wasn't eating food. I don't know what I was eating! When I went to bed, I alternately munched cheese and sour cream potato chips and semi-sweet chocolate chips. What the heck!

Wednesday and Thursday have gone better. Still munchy at night, but able to stay in my points range.

So, my biggest victory is I have an appointment with a therapist to talk about my food addiction. The nice gal who arranged the appointment was very helpful and says the therapist has extensive experience and success in helping people overcome this addiction. I'm ready! The appointment isn't until August 17, but that's okay.

I had a breakthrough at work when I realized my approach to a problem is to solve it, not spend time to define and understand it. That works in some cases, but not all. Last summer I tried a new diet every 21 days--I threw one solution after another at my addiction. Not surprisingly, it didn't work. At the time I hadn't admitted it was an addiction. I know that's huge. I'm now ready to see which of my random life experiences has contributed to this situation. Fun times ahead!

50 in 50 #7

I lost 3 pounds-what a week! I really tried to keep an eye on my food choices, but I think I would have been cooked without all the physical aspects of convention-lots of walking, hugging and smiling (and a dance with feathers thrown in for good measure). I'm not sure how many calories are burned by hugging and smiling, but I'm know they helped with the weight loss. Now I have to transition to post convention living. No room for relaxing my vigilance!

Convention was so much fun. I really love seeing old friends and making new ones. I'm proud to be a Stampin' Up demonstrator and part of such an energetic sorority of sisters. My team did a great job and I'm so happy for them to feel their work paid off. The classes, presentations, Make & Takes and Paper, Pad & Marker were off the hook (that's good-I always have to tell Jill that).

My sisters and Tamsin, Katie and Emma came to see me and Jill do our presentation. I didn't get to talk with them too long, but it was great to have them there. I love my family. I guess next time I'll have to talk about Alan (my brother), so he doesn't feel left out!

Well, I'm fading fast so I'm going to wrap it up now. Today (Sunday) I kind of grazed all day. I didn't record my points until tonight and discovered I've eaten my weekly extra points already! I'm glad I know and can face the truth. I know I can still have a successful week. Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor about eating addictions.

50 in 50 #6

I can't believe it's Thursday already! I'm in my hotel room at the Monaco in downtown Salt Lake. In 5 hours (yes folks it's 5 a.m!) I will be presenting with my friend Jill Kocherhans. I hope it goes well. I need to just relax, have fun, and make it a memorable experience for the demonstrators.

Monday went well-lots of walking and lots of time with my team getting the Make & Take and Paper, Pad & Marker rooms ready. Lots of calls to the SU office to tie up some loose ends. I enjoy my team so much! They each bring a different strength and personality to the group.

Tuesday I really struggled. I ate a Clif bar for breakfast and by noon I was starving. I ate 22 points worth of food for lunch! Fast forward to later on the same day (isn't this riveting?) when I got to my hotel room at 5 feeling hot and tired. I had quite a bit of work to do, so I passed on going to dinner with the gang. I had planned to order room service but I just couldn't rationalize $22 for a side salad. I'm exaggerating, but you know how it is; the price is $12 plus tax plus 20% gratuity plus $2.50 service fee (soooo, what's the tip for?). Anyway, I walked (no small feat) over to Lamb's Grill. It's been around for years, a downtown tradition. Sadly, my meal just didn't cut it. I had a small chicken breast and some mashed potatoes.

Here's the problem: Before I went to get dinner, I logged my points so far and opened the small bag of trail mix I grabbed at the convention center. I swear I was possessed or something--I couldn't stop munching at it. Nuts, craisins, M&M's--kind of healthy, right? It was 11 points! And the gory details don't stop-I also ate a 5 point Salted Nut Roll.

I pulled it together on yesterday. Kept to the plan. I had such a great time watching the rehearsals for all the classes and visiting with demonstrators! The party last night was a blast! I feel super groovy, man!

The bad news is I've eaten all my extra points for the week. The good news is I've earned extra activity points each day because of the dashing about.

50 Pounds in 50 Blogs #5: 5 Pound Milestone

Sunday sure rolled around fast! I went in the WW points hole by 4.5 points , but the week was a victory overall. I lost 3.5 pounds! I've reached my first 5 pound milestone. Nine more milestones to go before February. I am pumped to see some results.

Deep, Dark Confession: Crazy as it may seem, deep down I kind of believe I can't lose weight-you know, like I have some disease or something. Trust me, my thyroid's been tested so often it could teach classes on overcoming test anxiety! There's nothing physically stopping me from losing weight-other than the calorie to exercise ratio that is so out of whack in my life. Curves three times a week is a start. I'm so grateful to Cathi for being such an amazing workout buddy. Knowing she's planning to see me on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday gets me up and going.

Emotionally, I feel good. Even great. Being in control of one thing helps me be in control of others. Know what I mean? I'm worried my I-can-do-anything mood is based on pre-convention adrenalin and might be easily blown away by stress. I'm also worried that post-convention fatigue and let down (like after Christmas--What, it's over already?) combined with the fourth week mark on my weight loss sojourn could be challenging.

I am going into this Stampin' Up! convention week armed for battle. I really believe and fervently hope I will keep my eye on the prize, not on the goodies. If you're the praying sort, send one up for me! Thanks for your comments-I don't really know what the protocol is for acknowledging the comments, but I really, really appreciate your love and cheerleaderliness (hee hee, the spell-checker went crazy on that word!).

50 Pounds in 50 Blogs #4

It's the Thursday before convention and I'm still doing well. I feel pretty good about my food choices and have mostly been in control. Control really is the issue here. As far as the addiction goes, it doesn't matter if I'm eating carrots or candy--I can abuse either one. It's all about eating food for food, not as an escape, stress management tool, or way to numb my emotions. I think the reason this is so important for me is because life is unpredictable and if I don't re-train myself to cope with stress, boredom, sadness, loneliness, happiness, (you get the gist) in a non-food way, I'm just going to continue to relapse.

I'm not worried about making good choices at convention next week. It's a busy time, but there's always plenty of good food to choose from and I'll have lots of support. The other good thing is we're always moving-set up days are full of calorie burning steps and muscle toning movement.

Taking it one day at a time here, gang. That's the only way I can do this.

50 Pounds in 50 Blogs #3

I have mixed feelings today. Yesterday I didn't have a stellar day. Calorically I was okay, but emotionally I wasn't. I could tell I was eating more for emotions than for food. It's kind of hard to explain-my behavior could have been exactly the same, but I knew I wasn't in control. I guess that's the bottom line. Sigh.

Last week I lost 1.5 pounds. On Thursday, I had lost an additional pound, but somehow found it again. I guess for sanity's sake from now on I'll only weigh on Sundays so I don't do the emotional roller coaster thing. I am happy for 1.5, it was just kind of hard to not get my hopes up that maybe I'd lose even more. I'm headed the right direction, though. With convention right around the corner, I could easily just eat away the stress. I'm going to keep at it and when I'm on the other side of convention I won't have to do damage control.

I'm really liking the online Weight Watchers tools. The only issue I have is my computer at home is a bit slow and the WW tools kind of tax it. Every once in a while, it just kind of gives up and goes to sleep on me.

I picked and ate my first tomatoes and a cucumber from my garden! Super yummy. I can't wait for August and September when they really pile on. No sign of the peppers yet.

This week makes me nervous. I have tons to do and not much time to do it. I have an all day meeting on Wednesday, so that leaves me with 4 work days to get convention stuff ready. If I factor in meetings and emergencies, I basically have 2 days. That should be enough, right?

50 Pounds in 50 Blogs #2

Things are going well. I really like the Weight Watchers online tools so far-I've been able to plan my meals ahead of time and put them in the tracker, then print it so I know what's in store for the day. The only thing I curse is for some reason my printer defaults to this teeny tiny print that I can't read very well. Sigh!

It's a busy time at work, so I skipped my morning work out in order to get caught up. Ironic-I skipped Curves to get ahead of the curve at work. Ha ha, I crack myself up!

I don't feel hungry at all, but that's never been my problem. I don't eat food; I eat emotions. For now, I'm setting a timer after each meal so I don't nibble at all for at least two hours. Monday and Tuesday nights I had a hard time not eating after dinner-really wanted to nosh on something. Wednesday went much better.

No appointment for a food addiction therapist yet. That's a goal before the next blog.
Life in general is very good right now. I joined my dear friends Raylene, Karen and JoAnn for a birthday dinner for Karen last night. Porcupine grill. So yummy! I had fish tacos-grilled Wahoo (yep, it's a fish) with cabbage and a yummy spicy sauce. Later, my Bishopric (ecclesiastical leaders) came over to visit. It kind of made me laugh-has my perimenopause mania been brought to their attention? I don't know. It was just nice of them to take the time to come visit.

That's it for now!
Catch you later,

50 Pounds in 50 Blogs #1

I'm back. As I wrote in the last paragraph of my March blog (yes, the last time I blogged), I can hold a diet together for two great weeks, then I just get tired of the hassle--and yes, it's a relief to just give up and eat what I want.

I should have come clean. I should have listened to your encouragement. I appreciate your attempts to get me back on the ball-thank you Julie Salva, Max and Sam the SAM. I just couldn't deal.

So, where have I been? Nowhere, everywhere.

In April I ended up with pneumonia. Got a shot, took some antibiotics, drank some cough syrup. By the middle of May, I felt recovered and joined my SU friends for the Australia/New Zealand Convention in Syndey. We left on Monday, arrived on Wednesday, and by Thursday my chest was tight and it hurt to breathe. I had no voice and had to whisper my presentations. Luckily the AU/NZ demos were totally understanding. Back home I needed another round of antibiotics combined with a solid week of no work. It's the beginning of July and I finally feel more energy. Don't want to do that again!

Also, it's my summer of 49. That's what my friend Kim called it two years ago when she was 49 and her hormones turned her into a person she didn't know. I feel like an alien has invaded my body, my heart, and my spirit. I want to laugh about it, but I can't. It's not just the hot flashes--it's my complete inability to feel like myself. How long will this last? Hopefully I can get some great meds that stabilize me a bit. I hate resorting to that, but something's gotta give here.

I finally feel like I've put some tools in place to help me in. First, I joined Weight Watchers online. I know tracking food is the only way for me to pay attention. Second, I'm going to get some help for my food addiction. Yup, I said it. Eating numbs me; removes me from my life. Sad, because I think I have a pretty good life--so what am I running from? Third, I've told my friends and family about my goal to lose 50 pounds by the time I'm 50-February 17, 2011, and finally, I'm going to commit to writing 50 blogs to document those 50 pounds. This is the first of those blogs. I plan to blog on Sundays and Thursdays. Should be fun!

Ups and Downs

Hey all! Delinquent in posting--I think I hoped to wait until I got control of my eating and had good news to post. Alas, it is not so. I think coming clean here will be a great step. I did well on the Flat Belly Diet detox days, but I didn't keep it up. I gained it and then some. I kind of just gave up for a few weeks. Tired of fighting the urge to snack. I quit writing in my food diary-a sure sign of losing the battle. Good news though-I'm back on track. I am so tired of aching all over and not being able to do the things I truly want to do!

In other news, during February I had a weekend sister party. We did some crafting-metal photo boards and fabric flowers. The flowers were a hoot because I cut up some old blouses and we weren't sure what type of fabric they were made of. Some of the flowers worked; some just scorched a little! Mostly we watched 2 year old Emma and read books. As always, it was fun and ended too soon. I do love my family! I'll post photos soon...

The rest of February was filled with birthday celebrating. I don't mind 49 when I have so many fabulous people to enjoy life with. I am truly blessed!

I also had a couple of days of the blues here and there. Not sure what that's about--sometimes I just kind of crash. Luckily it doesn't last long.

March has been a continuation of February. I can't believe today is the Ides of March. Nearly forgot to beware! I spent last weekend in Lafayette Louisiana for work. The demonstrators there are so amazing. I am truly inspired by them.

So, that's it. Now we're caught up. Now I can sleep without guilt.

Losing It!

Diet Update: I not only read the Flat Belly Diet book, I got myself going! I have no idea if this is my long term answer, but I needed to do something, and what I read didn't overwhelm me. Basically, you eat three 400 calorie meals a day and one 400 calorie snack. So that's 1600 calories-well above starving mode. A key to the success of this is that you have a MUFA with every meal or snack. Intrigued? A MUFA is a mono-unsaturated fatty acid like nuts & seeds, oils, avocadoes, olives and dark chocolate. The good fats that raise your HDL and lower your LDL. Obviously, you only use a little. To start, you do four days of 300 calorie meals and snacks. I finished my four days and they helped me pass my 10 pound goal-and move into a lower set of 10's on the scale. Love that!

Curves has gone really well also. I wasn't sure how much it would help because I'm kind of a weight-lifting snob (my friend Anita is responsible for that), but it is plenty challenging for my current fitness level.

Weekly Goal Update: Yay! I allowed myself to eat meals while watching television (I know that's seems weird, but it's no fun to eat alone), but no treats. If I wanted a Jello Mousse pudding (yum), I had to eat it in the kitchen.

Good Habit Goal Update: Found a great food journal-just right for me-and have been faithful.

So, here's my worry: Historically, I can hold it together and 'be good' for about 14 days, then I just get tired of all the effort. Shannon is calling her current diet a live-it, not a die-it. She's on to something.

I'm off to buy a new under $20 shirt. I promised myself one every time I lose 10 pounds. Can't wait!

Nearly Tears for Parker

Last night I went to a concert for my 8 year old friend, Parker. His teacher has ties to a deaf and blind school in Ghana and their class decided to raise money so the school could buy a computer. I almost didn't go, then pulled myself together at the last minute.

Good decision. It was fabulous to support Parker's cause. The third graders in his class did a great job. Parker sang and danced his heart out. And I learned a life lesson.

Here's the scoop: Miss Brynn, Parker's teacher, wrote a song for the class to sing. In the song, each third grader was spotlighted with a line stating the child's name and some quality the class admired. I'm not sure, but I'd guess the class was asked to help identify those qualities. So, the song went something like this, "Friends, friends, everywhere a friend. Ana is nice and sweet, Carlos has a story to tell, Shauna knows the words to songs, Christian is a basketball star. Friends, friends...." You get the picture. Each time a name was sung, the third grader waved or stepped forward to claim his quality. It was sweet to watch them be uncomfortable and proud as their families saw them in the spotlight. As the song went on, I noticed Parker's smile became a squint of confusion, then a frown of frustration as the song concluded. His mom whispered to me, "They skipped the line about him."

Oh my dear, sweet boy! To watch his face as they moved on to another song--he valiantly fought off a melt down. Red faced and teary eyed, he pretended to do the sign language for the next song. Eventually, he pulled it together and just moved on. By the end of the concert, he was all smiles and boy-ready for a cookie and a hug.

After about five minutes of visiting and refreshment-ing, Miss Brynn went to the front and said, "Third graders, I just found out we skipped a line in our song. All third graders need to come to the front so we can sing it again." Without hesitation, the class launched into the song again. This time I smiled then cried when they sang, "Parker is a computer whiz," and my buddy proudly acknowledged the compliment.

Parker knew his teacher loved him. He knew his class thought he was a whiz on the computer. He cried because he wanted us to see what they thought of him.

We all deserve to be recognized and spotlighted-no matter how old we are. Let's make that happen for the people around us. Deal?

Kentucky Fried Goodness or Greats and Groans #2

It was a long week. Last week, I lost 7 pounds just by wishing. This week; 2 pounds-and I lost those on the first day! Whatev I guess.

Sooo, here's the report:

Greats: I have accomplished my first good habit goal - 21 days in a row of no food after 8:00 p.m. I am really happy with that. Of course, in order to claim it as a good habit, I will continue doing it (I'm reminding myself of that). Another good thing is I met with a lady at Curves and got myself ready to begin next week. The shoulder's still sore, so we thought it best to wait a week.

Groans: No working out. Nothing. Well, I did walk up one flight of stairs one day instead of using the elevator. Hmmm. No, I don't think that qualifies - even though I was huffing and puffing! Today I was beckoned by KFC on the way home. Yummy, greasy chicken. Mmmm. I caved. I am very unhappy with myself. Dangitalltoheck!

I'm reading a book called Fat Belly Diet. My friend Julie sent it home with me to preview during the weekend. She's all jazzed about it.

I'm off to book club-The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Great book!

Gluten Free Yumminess!

My friend Kristen invited me to dinner last Sunday. She made the most delicious cookies for me and sent the recipe. Thought I'd share!

Flourless Double-Chocolate Pecan Cookies

MAKES 12

3 cups confectioners’ sugar
¾ cup Dutch-process cocoa powder (spooned and leveled)
½ teaspoon coarse salt
5 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped
1½ cups chopped pecans (or other type of nut)
4 large egg whites, room temperature

Preheat oven to 325. In a large bowl, whisk together sugar, cocoa, and salt. Stir in chocolate and pecans. Add egg whites and stir just until incorporated (do not overmix).

Drop dough by ¼ cupfuls, 3 inches apart, onto two parchment-lined rimmed baking sheets. Bake until cookie tops are dry and crackled, about 25 minutes, rotating sheets halfway through. Transfer sheets to wire racks and let cookies cool completely. (To store, keep in an airtight container, up to 3 days.)

Nutrition information per serving: 381 calories; 20.8 grams fat (3.5 grams saturated fat); 4.4 grams protein; 61 grams carbohydrates; 3.3 grams fiber.

From: Everyday Food, #65, September 2009, p.76.

Short Sentences...

Sore shoulder.
On the mend.

Back to work.
Way behind.

Icy roads.
Take it slow.

Stupid cough.
Worse at night.

Losing weight.
Yay!

Not really an emergency...

So, after my post on Thursday, I got busy on the bike. After bribing myself to go 15 minutes, I decided on 20 and was feeling all great and stuff. I got on the balance ball to do some sit ups and tried to adjust my position so I wouldn't run into the TV... and I fell off the ball! Yup, tipped myself right over onto my right shoulder. I heard things crunch and groan and somehow got myself on my feet, then called my friend Anita who was at a wedding reception down the street. She and her husband and boys came and rescued me. After an emergency room visit just long enough to be enjoying the Jazz game (Jazz won at the buzzer on a 3 pointer from that great 10 day contract guy), I was sent home with a sling, some drugs, and instructions to see my doc if all isn't well in a week.

I'm feeling okay and plan to get on the bike again today. Yesterday was kind of pain-filled, but I think I got really lucky and nothing was too badly damaged.

Best of all, I didn't come home and eat comfort food after the hospital visit. I thought about it, but my good habit streak is really inspiring me. Yay!

Greats and Groans #1

I haven't decided whether to post a food journal every day, once a week or not at all. I know I'm going to keep one-so far it's been just scribbles at work. Any ideas about journaling?

Greats: I rode my bike yesterday and plan to do so again once I'm done blogging. Only 15 minutes/100 calories, but hey, it's a start! Some gals in my neighborhood want me to join Curves. Thinking that's a great idea. I'm doing FAB on not eating after 8 p.m. That alone has some serious potential for weight loss. Feeling pretty cocky about my progress! I took lunch to work today and yesterday I ate a Wendy's chili and side salad (no dressing)--so lunch was a good choice.

Groans: So, I don't even love chocolate. I like it and trust me, I'll eat it, but I don't crave it. I know, that's super weird. I tend towards salty treats like popcorn, chips, nachos... now there's some cravin' stuff. So, the fact that yesterday and today I ate a Reeses candy bar (not even just bite size guys) and two pieces of chocolate from Cori's Christmas chocolate box just steams me. It's like I'm a rebellious teenager going, "See, I can eat what I want!" to my dedicated-to-weight-loss self. Dang! Also, I stopped at Taco Time on the way home from work to try the bite sized crispy burrito bites. Note to self: 1) not that great, 2) not really fun to eat in the car and 3) not gluten-free. Sooo not worth it.

Call for help: I've got to find something to help me get through the afternoon. It's crazy, but once I eat lunch, I could keep eating the rest of the day. What the heck?

I'm out for now-gotta go sit on a bike and ride into the sunset!

Taking a Stand

Here I go! I'm about to lose it. No, no; it's a good thing. I want to lose 50 pounds by the time I turn 50. That's a little over a year, February 17, 2011. I've told some ladies at church, some friends at work and home, some of my family, and some of my demo friends. Now I'm telling you.

How am I going to do it? I will confess I don't know exactly. It won't be shots or shakes. I applaud those of you who can make that work, but that's not for me. It will be sensible and slow. It will be vegetables and lean meat. I know myself well enough to know that's the only way to go for me. I also know I won't eat after 8 p.m.

Baby steps.

I'm going to go ride my bike now. I promised Jacque that I'd do that for at least 15 minutes a day while I try to decide what other exercise I can do.

Wanted to put this out to the universe and garner your support, recipes and great ideas.

Go me, take state!